Its like pulling yourself up out of the mud.

The sludge of negative thoughts and self-criticism. The draining fight against fear of failure and overcoming challenging events…

I started this piece months ago and found it today again.

What I am grateful to say is that I’ve done some pulling these past few months.

Gone is the running away from my thoughts. I have learnt that I can come to a stand-still, face them, page through them to see which ones are valid and which ones I should ignore. Some fears exist because of bad past experiences, but pushing THROUGH the thought shows me that there is more light than darkness on the other side. Light in terms of possibilities instead of only the option of failure. The fact that failure doesn’t mean the end…its just part of a process. Pushing through a negative thought and fear, I realise that I am capable to withstand a challenge and that I have more strength than I thought I did.

Why do I write this?

Because, if I can see progress in how I think about life and challenges I want to face and dreams I want to chase, then maybe someone else can too. And sometimes we need confirmation that we can.

Feeling utterly abandoned and frustrated with an unknown future and feelings of inadequacies, I stumble across a hero’s online video, mentioning that miracles and the impossible is where God prefers to work.

If she could survive and stand with a smile on her face, then so can I.

Its going to take a lot of hard work.

But I have started breaking through the thoughts holding me back…and thoughts are sometimes stronger than the actual situations.

So let’s keep on going. Mud will not keep me back.

It is easy sitting here writing.

It is not that easy being out there in the world and doing.

I know all that I wish the world to be. I know all the wise approaches that will make my relationships better and will most probably help me achieve my dreams.

I know it all. In my head.

But doing it…that’s hard.

Doing it means that I make choices according to priorities, not whims.
Doing it means that I have to stand by my convictions, even when there’s adversity.
Doing it means that I proclaim my beliefs, no matter who is staring me in the face.

And that is hard.

I chase a dream of doing good and I hit a speed bump. The going was easy and suddenly there’s a mud pool that makes me feel uncomfortable, doubting myself, making me feel embarrassed.

It can be easy to cancel the path taken. I can just sit in front of my computer all day and spew my message out from here. It is comfortable. It doesn’t offer many challenges in terms of finances or in terms of dealing with people.

But that’s not enough.
It is simply not enough for me to write a thing and not live it.

I can not dream of giving my children wise advice one day…but having to hide away the fact that I never attempted what I want them to pursue.

Writing is easy.
Living is hard.
But doing only number 1 just isn’t enough.

He made me for more than that.

I cringe at the feeling of having my beliefs challenged, some of my plans crash, having no answers when everything I try fail. But I’m not dead yet. So failure is only a temporary feeling. And isn’t it subjective? Not thing attempted doesn’t at least have a lesson as result or at least one life influenced. So I choose what I define as failure (still processing that thought…)

So I will face the discomfort and push through. I will attempt to reach the other side, the dream, the ideal.
Even half of it is better than only talking about it.

That’s just me.

I often ask myself the question: am I going the right way? Is what I am busy with getting me closer to where I’m aimed at. Sometimes I have to re-align and ask…what am I aiming at?

I was driving on the highway, talking to God about all the changes taking place in my life. I am moving into a new business which I love, but from my perspective it moves away from my ultimate goal. In the logical sense of life, where I was is supposed to get me where I am going. The mindset, the resources, the workforce were all there. But I just wasn’t happy there. My season came to an end as I at last made the decision to move. But I am left with many questions. Somehow, the place which made sense didn’t move me to the next base.

So we are driving on the freeway. I am asking many questions. I am fearful of not reaching the place where my dreams, skills and purpose meet up and create a glorious monument of all He has placed in me. Because that’s the goal: using what He has given me.

So we are searching for the way there. And as I am taking the offramp that directs me to my (new) house I sense the idea of being directed in a certain way. Taking a specific offramp for a special specific reason. A direction that seems to have no reason, but one that He knows the layout of.

So I will trust that.

That is all I’ve got.

This idea of Him creating offramps for His precious beings to guide them towards their destinies that He dreamed of first. And He smiles as I have the guts and take the effort of leaving the mainstream traffic for now. Because sublime journeys are waiting.

Off course… of course.

Because that’s how He rolls.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD

Honestly: I struggle to live by this. I believe it, but its still scary driving alone on a road…good luck with YOUR journey

Its like when the electricity goes. Its one little switch, but it determines whether there’s light or not…whether there is life or not…whether I can see or not…whether I can see the TV’s images or not…whether I stub my toe or not.

The switch does not change the set-up of my living room, neither does it blind me. It just takes away the illuminating, life-giving factor.

I prefer my soul to be illuminated. Illuminated, my soul and mind knows and accepts, responds to and lives according to the truth. The truth that my strengths outweigh my weaknesses…The truth that God’s promises are real enough to anchor to…the truth that I am capable…the truth that I am blessed with talents and good instincts…

But boy oh boy…do not let the switch flip down.

A whole garrison of lies dive down into my mind sometimes. Fear or a challenge makes the switchboard malfunction and all illumination is stolen for a second…or two…or three…
And the longer I let it stay that way, the longer it takes to push the switch into the upright position again.

The longer I take, the more I doubt myself…doubt the future…the more I wallow in pain…the more I judge others…

It is a simple thing of choice; one which has become easier in certain situations (but alas not always and everywhere the quickest thing to do). The choice of switching to peace right after the moment of panic…of choosing to remind myself of all He has done in the past, and will do again (no matter what the current circumstance tells me).

The truth of me and Him does not change the people around me or even necessarily the circumstances I find myself in. Like a well-known living room that descends into darkness in a blackout, my life can seem dark due to a challenge I find myself in. But it is my choice of whether I am going to grab hold of His luminance…or carry on stubbing my toe in fear.

The switch is quite close. I am able to reach it any time I choose.

I love the moments when simply by pulling a positive thought my way, the source of light and life is reigning in my life again.

I do not win every time…but the victories are more now than yesterday or a year ago…and so the sources of truth-stories and memories become more and more.

Him…Him in me…me with Him…we are a winning team. That is my truth. The one I will again and again try to switch to, whatever the reason for momentary loss of current.

Is 41: 13

For I the Lord your God hold your right hand; It is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.”