I don’t want to but I will

I don’t want to but I will

I’ve been struggling with something for months.

It’s like: A part of your brain knows what the right thing is to do. For me, this time around, it’s about how I’m supposed to deal with certain people. I know I’m supposed to be more loving, kind, accepting. That gets difficult when lies and deception brought along distrust.

But I know my judging approach-and fiery temper-is not the answer.

So today I realised: I may not feel that love, kindness and acceptance at the moment. Perhaps I won’t feel it for a long while. But that doesn’t mean I can’t step up to the plate and be a better person.

You see, I often think I’m only supposed to act in accordance with my thoughts and feelings.  I believe that’s living honestly.

But when I know I’m supposed to be more loving, perhaps forcing myself into an action (and not following my own selfish ways) is not the worst idea of the day. Perhaps me keeping my mouth shut, stopping my thoughts from thinking the worst, smiling instead of frowning could be one way God helps me build his kind of temperament instead of my own.

Maybe that’s a different kind of honest…honest about the fact that I’m not always right.

I’ve been trying-and failing badly-at trying to change my heart and thoughts. I was waiting for them to lead my actions. Perhaps the other way around also works.

Someone told me yesterday that I don’t have to overthink and understand everything. As long as I dwell in His Word, try my best and keep my ears open, He will do the rest. And I know He is the changer of hearts, thoughts and minds.

So I’m hoping He will change my thoughts when I start surrendering my actions to Him. And then I realise…that’s what He’s done in the past. I remember all those time He has been faithful and loving when I listened to His call or guidance even when I didn’t WANT to…but I knew it was the right thing to do.

Let’s be clear: I DO NOT feel like doing this. But realising that DOING something may break me free from the bad habits I have formed…that’s a good enough reason to try.

So I’m trying this.

May you find unique ways of figuring out your challenges too.