I am totally confused.
Half the time? No…most of the time.
Things, people and situations I pray for don’t turn out the way I believe they would. I think I should take more control of my life…but it seldom works out.
That’s the kind of faith journey I’m walking.
And then I ask the questions: Are You really up to something here?
My greatest fear is that He isn’t there with me in a situation. What if I choose things (unbeknownst to me) that He isn’t part of.
And some of the time these thoughts win in my mind:
- You’ve not prayed enough
- You’re naive to think He helps
- It’s all a lie
That’s when I wake up one morning ‘different’. That’s when thoughts bother me but I can’t put my finger on what it is. And it will stay with me until I cry…or pray.
I’ve wondered if it’s a feeling of a premonition. I think it’s more a calling. My being knows there are things to sort out. I’ve learnt those are the times I really need to calm down and concentrate on Him.
This morning it’s a whole jumble of thoughts:
- The questions from these past few weeks
- Concern about loved ones
- Doubts about unanswered prayers
- Fear about a new chapter in our lives: my hope that He will help us each step of the way
And when I write those words I realise how sad it is that the doubts have won once again. When I stretch my mind a little further than the DIDN’T HAPPENS…I see the long list of YES HE WAS HERES.
It’s like when sun shines through holes in a wall or a curtain is only partly open. Everything you see is reality: Yes there’s a dirty spot on the carpet or a broken toy on the floor. But there’s more.
Beside the broken pieces is the glue that fixed many other toys in the past. Or even a new toy. And the rest of the carpet may already be clean.
But the sun is only showing me this at the moment, because I’m not pulling open the curtain all the way.
I wish everything I see in the light can already be answered and solved and happy. I hate the pain and questions and ruined lives I see. That’s what’s right in front of me.
But I only have to turn my head slightly to see happiness and provision and grace. And I’m battling to keep my focus on that. But He is here and present and oh so amazing in how He’s helped me.
I wish it’s easier to get prayers answered. I wish it’s simpler to always see His hand. But not seeing it now doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.
I’m so frustrated by not getting what I’m pleading for at the moment. I’m so confused at how long His promises take. I’m so scared that things I hope for won’t come to pass.
But His thread of attentive love and provision runs clear. And I know it’s my choice whether I want to see that or the spot on the carpet.
I hate struggling. But I do love the lessons it teaches me. I’m praying for enough strength to learn this one as well. Whatever it may be.
I want to encourage you to hold on for your next miracle. Pull open the curtain so your past wins with Him will carry you through to your next one. Good luck. He’s rooting for you.