The Power of Acceptance

The Power of Acceptance

It probably sounds like a post about accepting others or yourself. Not today. This one is about accepting that you’re wrong.

Of course none of us are perfect. I KNOW that but I don’t LIVE that.

Have you ever had a disagreement with someone for months on end? Usually you just think the other person is the stubborn one…the one in the wrong…the one creating the conflict. What if he or she isn’t?

I was about 10 when I first realized this. I wish I remember this lesson more often. My sister and I used to fight a lot and I just thought it was because she was such an irritating little sister. Until one day.

After being scolded by my mother I wanted to tjustify my own part and from somewhere a voice came to me. ‘What if this is because of you?’.

I know I changed after that day. It’s etched in my mind as one of the first days I believe the Holy Spirit started teaching me about the value of relationships: That admitting my faults-ACCEPTING that I’m wrong-is a good thing.

Best of all is that it changed my view of my sister turning her into one of the people I respect most on earth.

Jump forward two decades and I’m at cross roads again. I make mistakes at work. I lose a close friend because of disagreements. I have intense discussions with family members.

Always there is the instinct to protect myself; to justify my reason for acting the way I did. But if only my actions can be justified I’m not giving the other person the benefit of the doubt that they could be right as well.

Sitting on the couch trying to deal with the hurt of losing someone close simply because you don’t agree-I’m literally mourning someone- I have moments of clarity.

They’re not full blown yet. But I taste what it could be like not to walk around with the hurt and dread anymore. And that doesn’t come from them admitting their faults or us resuming the joys of our relationships. It comes from:

  • Accepting that I hurt people
  • Accepting that I made wrong choices along the way
  • Accepting that I spoke too many negative words about them
  • Accepting that I should have changed my perspective at the start and just maybe it could have turned out differently.

There is a tiny layer of relief that comes with that. Part of it is that I can ask forgiveness-if only from God-for my mistakes. But I can’t ask for forgiveness if I don’t ACCEPT that I was wrong, right?

This doesn’t mean I’m the only one to blame. But I want to move forward and put this behind me.

And that brings one of the best feelings in the world: The dissipation of guilt. I realized for months I’ve been carrying guilt around mostly because I’m not sure what I did wrong. I’m still sifting through a whole lot of thoughts, feelings and perspectives to get to the bottom of what exactly happened in my life the past two years. (It’s been awesome, weird, hurting and educational all together).

But I realise I’ve been running from the wisdom God wants to give me because I don’t want to ACCEPT that I was wrong sometimes. Admitting my faults means I should have acted differently and I’m afraid I’ll feel regret and shame when I ACCEPT I’m wrong.

But the shame lifts, the guilt disappears and He promises me a good tomorrow. He’s been waiting for months to tell me this but I’ve been running from His voice. I hope you stop sooner than I did, look Him in the face, ACCEPT and feel how He tends to Your wounds.

Because of the tears you didn’t see

You never saw the tears

You saw my upturned face

With glances to impress

My comments made just for your ears

Every action I had assessed

You never saw the tears

You never saw the tears

But my thoughts you gathered with gluttony

And your thoughts became my sustenancy

You never saw the tears

Of loss

Of failure

Of hate

For you never saw my tears

Yearning for your coming back this way

Listening for your voice my word to say

That you never saw

Nights awaiting, acrying, debating

Wondering, dying, fearing, just…fraying

You never saw those tears

You, simply went

You, simply continued!

How?!

But YOU did

And I died…but lived again

I died…rose with strength regained

And now live, and choose, and flourish

Better…still only girl

Wiser…will forever learn until

More me

Because of the tears you didn’t see

I am learning to look after myself

I thought it was enough to give…I was under the impression that the great need I have to help others was enough to sustain me…I was wrong…so wrong.
No matter the amount of energy I gain from counseling and assisting…it does not keep me going…that’s just a fact of life I had to learn I guess.
…cause when you reach a day where you wish you had the guts to give up…to start over…to call a psychologist…to shout ‘stop!’…then you know you got something wrong in the equation….it all DOESN’T add up…
Or it all added up to too much.
Okay stop the rambling now…this is what I want to say.
Thank you for all the lessons I learnt through vampires who gobbled up my energy…to ‘friends’ using up my time…to baggage-carriers evading choices and dumping their issues onto my advice-giving.
Its not your fault that I was okay with being miss-used…but it is my privilege to move onto a better way of going about things.
I have the privilege of boundaries…of saying no…of choosing my time spent…of investing energy and taking up which responsibilities…and I will practice that right.
So thank you for the lesson. My future will never again by sapped of energy in this way.
I wish you all the best…and pray for the best…
But most of all…I choose the best for myself…balance…
Where I am also invested in…given time and energy and advice…cause guess what…I need it also…
love…safety…respect…friends…health…laughter…hope…a good life…

As I write I realise I have all the resources for this…but I keep finding my worth in what and who I can fix…no more…I will adjust my focus…

This train-of-thought….to be continued

That’s it.

Phil 4
And the peace of God will guard your hearts and thoughts…

Me…people…life

I have learnt recently that I have a choice.  God showed me this – thank You Father.

I have always pressed into whatever bothers me in a situation…someone in a bad mood?  I ask: what can I do to relieve the tension?

Someone making stupid comments… I choose to get irritated…

Someone offends…I choose to take the offence.

I say choose…because that’s what it is: my CHOICE.

I believed that my sense of discomfort is just how it is going to be, but then I learnt that I have the power to choose…to choose to put space between me and other people’s vibes, words, actions…that I am stronger than that…can be smarter than that…

I no longer have to place people between me and LIFE…they always stood in my way, but now I can focus on what I want life to be for me…not what their intention or manipulation wants to choose for me…cause after all, it may not be that they want to be against me, they are just making a choice for them…and now I’m making the choice for me.  And so I am a better human towards my co-humans, as my levels of irritation with them falls greatly!

My choice isn’t made with pride, not with nastiness or a bad attitude…it is just made with new-found freedom…

Thank You Lord

For ye, brethren, were called for freedom; only use not your freedom for an occasion to the flesh, but through love be servants one to another.

You, mine, yours

You’re not a knight with shining armour

come to rescue this damsel blue

You’re not a superhuman man

who shows up with your saving crew

A billionaire with houses lots

or aristocrat with titles not

An icon or a Hollywood stud

or even a poster boy…you’re not

 

But so much more, you brought me smiles

A feat most men have gave up on

You came and sent my thoughts all wired

Changed up emotions I thought forgotten

You came out of nowhere

You challenged, you stood and you proved

Proved the value of someone who can know me

Someone who has made my world move

 

You’re the mind I match my concerns against

weighing my reasons for what emotions brought

You show me the proof of having gotten through it

and the beauty that soul then was brought

You inspire and tease and encompass me

’cause you’re bigger than others who have bored

Larger than life you became in my world

’cause you’re you, you’re different…and made me yours