I’ve been struggling with something for months.

It’s like: A part of your brain knows what the right thing is to do. For me, this time around, it’s about how I’m supposed to deal with certain people. I know I’m supposed to be more loving, kind, accepting. That gets difficult when lies and deception brought along distrust.

But I know my judging approach-and fiery temper-is not the answer.

So today I realised: I may not feel that love, kindness and acceptance at the moment. Perhaps I won’t feel it for a long while. But that doesn’t mean I can’t step up to the plate and be a better person.

You see, I often think I’m only supposed to act in accordance with my thoughts and feelings.  I believe that’s living honestly.

But when I know I’m supposed to be more loving, perhaps forcing myself into an action (and not following my own selfish ways) is not the worst idea of the day. Perhaps me keeping my mouth shut, stopping my thoughts from thinking the worst, smiling instead of frowning could be one way God helps me build his kind of temperament instead of my own.

Maybe that’s a different kind of honest…honest about the fact that I’m not always right.

I’ve been trying-and failing badly-at trying to change my heart and thoughts. I was waiting for them to lead my actions. Perhaps the other way around also works.

Someone told me yesterday that I don’t have to overthink and understand everything. As long as I dwell in His Word, try my best and keep my ears open, He will do the rest. And I know He is the changer of hearts, thoughts and minds.

So I’m hoping He will change my thoughts when I start surrendering my actions to Him. And then I realise…that’s what He’s done in the past. I remember all those time He has been faithful and loving when I listened to His call or guidance even when I didn’t WANT to…but I knew it was the right thing to do.

Let’s be clear: I DO NOT feel like doing this. But realising that DOING something may break me free from the bad habits I have formed…that’s a good enough reason to try.

So I’m trying this.

May you find unique ways of figuring out your challenges too.



2 thoughts on “I don’t want to but I will

  1. Wow, your words struck very close to home for me. I’m going through a similar journey right now, and man, it’s not much fun to go through “training” like this, LOL. I used to try and live honest too, being true to my thoughts and feelings, but through lots of misunderstandings and (other people’s) hurt feelings and this nagging hunch that I’m missing something, God’s been slowly showing me that living honestly — though noble and good in concept — only brings Him honour if those thoughts and feelings I used as my compass have already been subjected and conformed to His Word. I’m working through Joyce Meyer’s course “Battlefield of the Mind” (I highly recommend it BTW), and she does a brilliant job of explaining how it works (and why it doesn’t the way we think), and in my case, God’s been using that to challenge me to spend more time studying His Word. How else will I know I’m being deceived in my thoughts? Our mind isn’t automatically renewed, and the world is pervasive and loud, permeating our subconscious and spilling over into our thoughts and by extension our actions, all without our permission. God’s been on a journey with me, teaching me that I need to start knowing what I’m thinking, and then I need to be in charge of the actions that follow those thoughts. Yeah, that’s all great in theory, but it is NOT easy, or quick, or “flatervry”.
    Thanks for sharing your thoughts on your own journey, similar yet different. We’re all made to reflect the glory of God, broken vessels holding great treasures. We’re also all works in progress, and greatly loved. That has been my biggest challenge in all of this: to have grace for myself. May you have grace for yourself too — God sees the intensions of our hearts, and He has so much grace and patience with us. ❤️

    1. Thanks for that Elmi! Good to know there are places I can learn more about this. And yes – that He is okay with us struggling…and not impatient…which I often think He must be which just increases unnecessary guilt. It’s kind of liberating to feel that pull…that there’s another way to handle this…that He’s okay with us figuring it out as we go along. He doesn’t expect us to have it all in control every single second. But He gives wisdom when we’re in earnest search for it. xxx

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