Category: Life

What we are vs WHAT WE CAN BE

I scroll past the pictures of the students who fight and loot and destroy in our country. I scroll quite quickly. I do not want to see it.
Part of me doesn’t want to give chaos leeway in my psyche…but the rest of me is just plain startled. Startled to see that what I believe isn’t happening. And if it doesn’t happen…will I lose my belief?

Because I believe that this is a great country. I have a belief that God had and has a plan for our colourful nation. And those pictures do not represent that.

I am not proud for running away from the glimpses of tragedy.
But I did stop in my tracks this morning and face my fear and face my insecurity.
And I chose a mindset.

What I see is not what I hoped for when in 1994 my country stood up for something great. Am I the typical patriotic South African who braais a lot and will never leave her roots? NO. Not at all. Simply out of curiosity I would love to experience the world out there as home.
But that does not diminish my faith in my first home.

And my faith has always been that we were destined to stand up for something worthwhile. The world looked at us and saw a miracle. Our great leader became the reference of many in the same situation. Is that not something to be proud of? To get chills about? That is how powerful our small country chose to be in the WORLD.

And now a few simpering idiots decide that they are not happy. They destroy precious items, lives and they destroy time.

I can keep on scrolling past and seem naive. Naive in that I do not want to admit that there is outrage and ghastliness out there in my country. Naive that I don’t want to admit that something is WRONG.

But I am not naive. I see all the darkness that challenges light. I see daftness challenging wisdom. I see greed overcoming goodness.

But I do not have to buy into it.

I have a voice and a pen and if we could stay afloat in 1994 and create a miraculous society instead of civil war, then I know:
In this country there are still good people…so our country is still good
IN this country there are still people with morals…so we will not succumb to the worst
In this country there are people who believe…so our prayers will forever echo

And does the presence of darkness and stupidity now show me that my faith was ungrounded?

Certainly not. Light and wisdom travels in me, so I am the keeper of what we need. I am the presence of all that I believe in. And as long as I stand (even just to stand for hope and truth and morals and kindness to those around me), that Presence prevails.
I am the answer to this country…every day answering the call by living what I believe and cherish and was taught by good parents. By living what I believe God requests of us all, I am an anchor to that which is light in the darkness. And there are many of us. I know it.

I will not stop living what I know to be wise and good and under leadership of the Light…so how will the darkness then ever win?

I see the horrible truths of our country and my heart breaks for it (maybe the true reason why I scroll past?)…but I LIVE what I know is good and right and what will bring hope to others…and then the horror will not triumph.

Their actions do not determine His presence or my actions.

But my actions can have impact just as those pictures influenced me.cropped-2015-06-02-16-20-08.jpg

That’s just me.

Dance of life

It’s a wedding…one of the various I am to attend before my own big day arrives…whenever that will be.

One of the high-lights always – for my band of friends anyway – is the dancing: the opening of the dance floor, the fun and laughter as everyone joins in.  And then I start to wonder: what would my day be like when this time arrives.  I do not come from a dancing-kind-of-family.  Not that I mind: I like dancing, but I’m not an addict…or is it that I simply haven’t discovered the magic of it?

Here’s the thing: My friends consist of various couples who, when looked at as individuals are definitely not dancers.  Some I have known before they found their life-partners and then it always surprises me to find them on the dancefloor doing funky steps and quite at ease with themselves, where previously they would never have dreamt of it.

And then the beautiful picture emerges: so many of my friends found their dance-gurus in their partners.  Nerdy boys who are shy in so many respects, bloomed into self-assured dancers, learning steps for the sake of their wives, and discovering the joy of it for themselves.  Shy girls who  wouldn’t think of doing anything in front of a crowd, setting the dancefloor on fire simply because their other half is beside them.  Individuals with no beat at all, taking over the beat from their other halves – realizing the how to and when.

It is as if dancing is language and chapter of life all on its own.  To feel so at ease with yourself and the other person that you would let them guide you in a new, unknown direction…because that’s the flipside: the worst feeling is to feel uncomfortable on the dancefloor, to make a move and realize the rest are thinking you absurd…dancing in a group and being the last one left over.  But in the eyes of various couples I have seen that change to a attitude of “I don’t care anymore, because there is one person who LIKES my dancing, who ACCEPTS my dancing, who IMPROVES my dancing, who JOINS my dancing…and the rest don’t matter!”.

I pray that I can have that attitude about various things in life, and yes, more and more I hope that that same belief about God as the one inspiring these thoughts would become more and more present and reality.  But we were made to partner with humans as well.  God made us for eachother.  May we find (and choose) the ones who would make us…not necessarily EXPERT dancers…but CAREFREE dancers!

It is such a simple thing, but such a perfect metaphor for what our partners are supposed to be for us, isn’t it?  A teacher of what life can bring us if only we dare to venture out…showing us what has been inside us all along…and the best of all: to dance WITH someone is so much better than dancing alone: the sharing of life, makes life all the richer!

The dance of life: learning the steps and realizing you weren’t as bad at it as you thought you were.

Now, come partner, I’m waiting on the edge of the dance floor, ready to go.  All that’s missing is you!

Because of the tears you didn’t see

You never saw the tears

You saw my upturned face

With glances to impress

My comments made just for your ears

Every action I had assessed

You never saw the tears

You never saw the tears

But my thoughts you gathered with gluttony

And your thoughts became my sustenancy

You never saw the tears

Of loss

Of failure

Of hate

For you never saw my tears

Yearning for your coming back this way

Listening for your voice my word to say

That you never saw

Nights awaiting, acrying, debating

Wondering, dying, fearing, just…fraying

You never saw those tears

You, simply went

You, simply continued!

How?!

But YOU did

And I died…but lived again

I died…rose with strength regained

And now live, and choose, and flourish

Better…still only girl

Wiser…will forever learn until

More me

Because of the tears you didn’t see

I am learning to look after myself

I thought it was enough to give…I was under the impression that the great need I have to help others was enough to sustain me…I was wrong…so wrong.
No matter the amount of energy I gain from counseling and assisting…it does not keep me going…that’s just a fact of life I had to learn I guess.
…cause when you reach a day where you wish you had the guts to give up…to start over…to call a psychologist…to shout ‘stop!’…then you know you got something wrong in the equation….it all DOESN’T add up…
Or it all added up to too much.
Okay stop the rambling now…this is what I want to say.
Thank you for all the lessons I learnt through vampires who gobbled up my energy…to ‘friends’ using up my time…to baggage-carriers evading choices and dumping their issues onto my advice-giving.
Its not your fault that I was okay with being miss-used…but it is my privilege to move onto a better way of going about things.
I have the privilege of boundaries…of saying no…of choosing my time spent…of investing energy and taking up which responsibilities…and I will practice that right.
So thank you for the lesson. My future will never again by sapped of energy in this way.
I wish you all the best…and pray for the best…
But most of all…I choose the best for myself…balance…
Where I am also invested in…given time and energy and advice…cause guess what…I need it also…
love…safety…respect…friends…health…laughter…hope…a good life…

As I write I realise I have all the resources for this…but I keep finding my worth in what and who I can fix…no more…I will adjust my focus…

This train-of-thought….to be continued

That’s it.

Phil 4
And the peace of God will guard your hearts and thoughts…