I am driving home in a total state of crashing down.
I have just had a meltdown during an important meeting. Earlier today everything just went South, resulting in me being late…unprepared…emotional…and basically having a nervous breakdown. It has been a long time coming…7 years maybe.
7 years of not creating healthy boundaries, of being everyone’s go-to-girl and not being able to say NO.
So I brought it on myself and so I just increase the misery of the moment and the blueness of the day by now berating myself with guilt for creating this.
I call friends. Any friends. To unload…to hear if I’m really the failure that I feel, or is there a small glimmer of hope that I might not be SO bad…at my job…at being human…at being me.
I realise I am quite near to the offramp near one of my best friend’s homes. I call…I invite myself… That’s what good friends allow you to do.
I get there first and then then her red car drives in.
I wanted to see her: draw from her strength and insight…her hug…coffee…common sense…experience.
From the passenger window a small face appears.
He impatiently leans out of the window…to see me…to greet me.
Yelling my name…immediately starting to babble about his day. He wants to talk to me…share his day…his moment…this moment with me.
And the content of MY moment…DISAPPEARS.
Its just not worth it. Its not worth ruining the perfection of an innocent’s love. Its not worth missing out on the attention of a loving child.
Because that is what I feel…loved – accepted – enough!
The perfect channel of all that is good and Godly: a child communicating your worth by demanding your attention and time.
For that moment (though tears and frustration will return and be dealt with after I have received this gift of healing love) all that matters is his story…and what I feel is JOY.
How powerful a tool a small child is in God’s hand to help in turning around situations.
How powerful a Blue-eyed boy is to turn a blue Monday…into Sapphire…to be remembered.
Thank you little one. Once again you saved the day.