Dance of life

It’s a wedding…one of the various I am to attend before my own big day arrives…whenever that will be.

One of the high-lights always – for my band of friends anyway – is the dancing: the opening of the dance floor, the fun and laughter as everyone joins in.  And then I start to wonder: what would my day be like when this time arrives.  I do not come from a dancing-kind-of-family.  Not that I mind: I like dancing, but I’m not an addict…or is it that I simply haven’t discovered the magic of it?

Here’s the thing: My friends consist of various couples who, when looked at as individuals are definitely not dancers.  Some I have known before they found their life-partners and then it always surprises me to find them on the dancefloor doing funky steps and quite at ease with themselves, where previously they would never have dreamt of it.

And then the beautiful picture emerges: so many of my friends found their dance-gurus in their partners.  Nerdy boys who are shy in so many respects, bloomed into self-assured dancers, learning steps for the sake of their wives, and discovering the joy of it for themselves.  Shy girls who  wouldn’t think of doing anything in front of a crowd, setting the dancefloor on fire simply because their other half is beside them.  Individuals with no beat at all, taking over the beat from their other halves – realizing the how to and when.

It is as if dancing is language and chapter of life all on its own.  To feel so at ease with yourself and the other person that you would let them guide you in a new, unknown direction…because that’s the flipside: the worst feeling is to feel uncomfortable on the dancefloor, to make a move and realize the rest are thinking you absurd…dancing in a group and being the last one left over.  But in the eyes of various couples I have seen that change to a attitude of “I don’t care anymore, because there is one person who LIKES my dancing, who ACCEPTS my dancing, who IMPROVES my dancing, who JOINS my dancing…and the rest don’t matter!”.

I pray that I can have that attitude about various things in life, and yes, more and more I hope that that same belief about God as the one inspiring these thoughts would become more and more present and reality.  But we were made to partner with humans as well.  God made us for eachother.  May we find (and choose) the ones who would make us…not necessarily EXPERT dancers…but CAREFREE dancers!

It is such a simple thing, but such a perfect metaphor for what our partners are supposed to be for us, isn’t it?  A teacher of what life can bring us if only we dare to venture out…showing us what has been inside us all along…and the best of all: to dance WITH someone is so much better than dancing alone: the sharing of life, makes life all the richer!

The dance of life: learning the steps and realizing you weren’t as bad at it as you thought you were.

Now, come partner, I’m waiting on the edge of the dance floor, ready to go.  All that’s missing is you!

Because of the tears you didn’t see

You never saw the tears

You saw my upturned face

With glances to impress

My comments made just for your ears

Every action I had assessed

You never saw the tears

You never saw the tears

But my thoughts you gathered with gluttony

And your thoughts became my sustenancy

You never saw the tears

Of loss

Of failure

Of hate

For you never saw my tears

Yearning for your coming back this way

Listening for your voice my word to say

That you never saw

Nights awaiting, acrying, debating

Wondering, dying, fearing, just…fraying

You never saw those tears

You, simply went

You, simply continued!

How?!

But YOU did

And I died…but lived again

I died…rose with strength regained

And now live, and choose, and flourish

Better…still only girl

Wiser…will forever learn until

More me

Because of the tears you didn’t see

I am learning to look after myself

I thought it was enough to give…I was under the impression that the great need I have to help others was enough to sustain me…I was wrong…so wrong.
No matter the amount of energy I gain from counseling and assisting…it does not keep me going…that’s just a fact of life I had to learn I guess.
…cause when you reach a day where you wish you had the guts to give up…to start over…to call a psychologist…to shout ‘stop!’…then you know you got something wrong in the equation….it all DOESN’T add up…
Or it all added up to too much.
Okay stop the rambling now…this is what I want to say.
Thank you for all the lessons I learnt through vampires who gobbled up my energy…to ‘friends’ using up my time…to baggage-carriers evading choices and dumping their issues onto my advice-giving.
Its not your fault that I was okay with being miss-used…but it is my privilege to move onto a better way of going about things.
I have the privilege of boundaries…of saying no…of choosing my time spent…of investing energy and taking up which responsibilities…and I will practice that right.
So thank you for the lesson. My future will never again by sapped of energy in this way.
I wish you all the best…and pray for the best…
But most of all…I choose the best for myself…balance…
Where I am also invested in…given time and energy and advice…cause guess what…I need it also…
love…safety…respect…friends…health…laughter…hope…a good life…

As I write I realise I have all the resources for this…but I keep finding my worth in what and who I can fix…no more…I will adjust my focus…

This train-of-thought….to be continued

That’s it.

Phil 4
And the peace of God will guard your hearts and thoughts…

I learnt about God’s music in my soul

I stand on stage.  I’m playing keyboard. I love it…following the chords on the sheets of paper before me and experiencing the music I am taking part in. It’s a worship session during a church service…and I’m blessed by using our gifts to glorify God.

The pastor asks our Music Director for a specific song…and I’m done…i can’t take part, because the song he asks for is not on the list before me, so I’m lost.  I’m not the kind of musician that can determine what to play unless its given to me on a music score sheet…I’m just not that good.  So I won’t take part in this one… though  I would have loved to.

On guitar this evening is one of my oldest friends.  For 15 years he has been a mentor and a friend, a band leader and a colleague.  He turns around.

He knows.  He knows me…he knows I’m lost without a paper.  He knows.

And he whispers…G…E Minor…D…every chord…he leads me…

Rewind to about 2 hours earlier driving to band practice before service and feeling in my being that I am just a bit lost…just unsure of what to do and how to handle some things in my life…I need direction for every step ahead, because what will come next in my life is important and will take huge steps of faith. Career choices, how to handle emotional and spiritual challenges.  How do I go about this Lord.

And then my friend happens…and its as if God is whispering to me.

‘Do you see how he knows?  Do you see how he cares enough to turn around and face you?  Do you hear how clearly, above all the noise and music on stage currently, you can hear every…EVERY…SINGLE…chord. Crystal clear.

That is Me…in front of you…whispering at every step and turn and direction…and you will hear.  And it is not any other person on stage doing this.  I am using him because you know this person’s voice the best…it is familiar to you…you recognise it…in the same way you recognise Mine…because we are familiar to each other…trust each other…and Love is the reason why I WANT to turn around towards you and guide you every step of the way.’

And that was His message…He is the leader in the music of my life…guiding every chord and movement.  And He is trustworthy…and present…and on time…and I will stay in rhythm with His direction and guidance…

…because He knows

Is 55

Incline your ear, and come unto me; hear, and your soul shall live: ….