Stuck in the Mud

Today I just have a short thought to share.

Thinking about our current journey (LOTS of faith needed there!), I become aware of how God continually encourages me to trust Him with the future.

But oh wow, can I get overwhelmed with the unknown that lies ahead!!

I know He gets it, and is very patient with me…knowing how difficult it is for me.

But I’m hoping the metaphor I came up with keeps me a little more on track and less afraid all the time.

Faith = Stones | Unbelief = Mud

Imagine a field of mud and dotted all over you see stones. Big enough to stand on. Stepping stones. Clean. Dry. Safe.

But REPEATEDLY over the past few weeks, all I seem to do…all I seem to CHOOSE…is stepping in the mud.

The mud of unbelief – not trusting Him although He has shown me countless times that He always comes through in some way. All the while, His stone is there to make me feel less insecure.

The mud of fear – not trusting Him to look after our future, my husband, my daughter. While it’s completely safe on His stones of faith.

The mud of self-reliance – going round and round in circles in my head about how I can make the situation work…while He has proven that He is fully capable of taking us where we’re going and that He is orchestrating a beautiful story. While it’s much less exhausting on His stones of being at peace with what He brings along.

The mud of feeling despondent and overwhelmed – instead of stepping up onto a stone of faith that leads to joy about what’s to come…because I trust HIM with what’s coming.

Stepping Onto = A Choice

Faith is Godly. His Spirit shows me how to get it right. But I also need to CHOOSE to use what He gives me. I must CHOOSE to believe.

I don’t want to be sucked into the mud anymore.

To me, a picture sometimes helps make the better decision. I’m keeping this picture in mind to remind what NOT to do…and what other option there is.

feet on stepping stone of faith — Photo by Jordan Whitt on Unsplash

Here’s to hoping I step onto the stones a little more every day.

And Then…It Happened – Why I’m Smiling and 6 Things that Got me Here

[FULL DISCLOSURE: I started writing this way back when in 2019. It ended up in Drafts. I’m so enjoying reminding myself of these truths now, on a day in 2023 where I REALLY need some of this. And I realise how it still applies and His lessons are ongoing. So, excuse the mix of feelings, dates and facts. ]

2019 me: I wrote a lie a few weeks ago. Okay, as a writer I’m allowed to make things up, but how I wished it was true: The character on the page was happy. Happy to get up in the morning. Happy with his work. Happy to dream about the future.

I wrote it and knew that wasn’t me.

Yet.

But then I got up this morning and cautiously I explore my emotions. I’m smiling without faking it. I’m not dreading opening my laptop…I’m almost looking forward to it. I talk because I want to not because I’m trying to silence the voice of stress in my mind.

I’m in a good space. I’m happy.

Isn’t that what we all say we want out of life?

Of course I’ve been happy for a long time, but change and challenges and fears and stress have been robbing me of LIVING that for quite a while. I know the Giver of joy, but getting to the point where that joy filters through to more parts of my being…that took a while.

And I’m thankful…and of course I’m scared it all splinters into nothingness tomorrow morning. I’m realistic: I will always have good and bad days. But part of how you ensure you live in victory tomorrow is by acknowledging the breakthroughs of today. It’s the foundation for what’s to come.

So, for myself and anyone hoping to one day breathe a sigh of relief, I’m documenting this.

It took a year of hard work. Praying and believing for one plan for our family took a lot of energy. And then an entirely different plan played out. It shook us even though the second plan was also good. What is His eventual plans with us? Only time will tell.

Then came a move across the country, loss of friends, fears about having a family, old hurts that haunt us…2018 was tough…

But He never let go. I can vouch for my God who sent amazing people, resources and guidance along the way. Every time I listened (I don’t always) His assistance was there.

Maybe I’m rambling but I’m overcome by how good it feels to actually see the results of applying His wisdom.

He Told me To Eat Better

This is probably going to sound like a new year’s resolution post, but for months I’ve been prompted to change my habits. I’ve never been on diets because I enjoy food too much. However, healthier eating isn’t a diet – it’s a lifestyle I’m supposed to follow because I want this body to be able to do His bidding.

I won’t feel up to helping others, learning about His truths or even enjoying life if I’m feeling tired all the time. Note: I hate veggies. But He guided me to PICK the right things to eat:

Giving me a husband who LOVES veggies.
Realising I can’t expect a baby to grow inside a body that’s not able to support him or her.
Sending a friend to visit who sells health foods and having that small voice in my head say: This is what you’re supposed to be eating.

Repetition worked: His message was heard. And today I’m better for it.

I won’t ever LIKE veggies, but I add them to my plate because I KNOW it’s the right thing to do.

Does it sound like I’m a spoilt toddler wanting dessert before her meal? Isn’t that the way with all bad habits? We just want the easy way out. Whether it’s lying, being lazy, choosing the wrong friends.

But no matter your age you can still change it around.

A lot of times I didn’t want to make changes in my life because it felt embarassing: How can I be in my 30s and still fail at simple things? It’s easier to ignore and simply carry on, right?

But those bad habits are the things that make me not want to get up in the morning. I wasn’t always proud of the life I was living: Unhealthy, rushed, stressed, chaotic.

Eating differently and realising it led to a more energetic life inspires me to break other bad habits too. Feeling less lethargic makes me excited about what else I can change in my life even though I’ve had bad habits all through my 20s.

He Prompted Me To Look After my Body

He also sent me this very cool friend who went through a particular challenge with her own body. Today she realises the value of strong muscles and healthy bones and she has this passion to help others prevent what she had to go through. A year’s struggle with permanent pain is no joke.

Her words…once again that small voice prompted me. If I can prevent certain ailments in life, why not? There’s no reason to live with regret; He is sending me the message NOW so I can have more quality of life later on.

Once again: I’m not proud that I’m not living a super healthy life. For me it has always been my mind taking priority, not my body. But the one can’t live without the other. For now, I feel Him prompting me to give a little more attention to my physical existence. I guess He still wants me around for a while.

And I will say it again: My God is PRACTICAL.

It only takes a call from a suffering friend to realise the importance of this lesson: We live in a stressful society and if our bodies are unfit and unwell to begin with, the chances of weathering a particularly difficult time at work or home become quite slim.

And that’s when breakdowns happen. I’ve had one. I don’t want to go down that road again.

He made us a wonderful mix of body, soul and spirit. This year I’m trying my best to look after all three and this morning that plan resulted in getting up with a smile. I’m thankful for all the small messages and prompts He sent during 2018.

He Taught me About Time Management

This one closely relates to that stress aspect. I’m a very good…procrastinator. [This is where 2023-me continues the story] And then, whatever the task is that I’m ignoring and not getting to, creates STRESS at the back of my mind.

Luckily, through everything from becoming a mom in 2021 to having a good therapist that helps me identify my weak points, I have learnt to no longer procrastinate as much as before. It has become second…okay, maybe third nature to simply face a task head on, because I know leaving it until later isn’t good for me, or my family. (A stressed mom is never at her best).

Do I succeed every day? No! But I see victory in this area. And as it was a particular topic of prayer for me (trying to reduce stress in my life), I appreciate how He helped me in such a practical way.

He Offered His Peace

Can I just confirm that His peace really does surpass all understanding!

I’ve been outside hanging washing while worrying about the future. And then…poof…it’s gone. A luxurious peace descends and I know ‘He’s got this’.

I have been in bed praying over and over ‘I need You…I need You’. In that moment I am terrified and overcome with emotion that I can not control. And then…poof…it dissipates and I can breathe again.

I can’t explain it.

I’m just thankful for it.

He’s Waiting to Share My Purpose With Me

Purpose is a big thing for me. I can’t live without having direction.

This also means that when I’m unsure about what His purpose for me is, I feel very unsure about facing the days head on.

Here’s what I tend to forget: He is ALWAYS ready to share His thoughts with me. Unfortunately, I don’t always sit down to ask and listen for His reply

Purpose has changed over the years.

Employed in ministry
Writer
Wife
Mother

But so often life, technology, worries and even people can distract us from what we should be focusing on, right?

This morning again I was reminded of what He thinks I should be doing with my time. And I know that if I don’t prioritise it, I can’t blame anyone but myself for the emptiness or sense of being lost that tends to descend because of me ignoring my purpose.

Here’s to better use of my time next week. 🙂

He Sent Angels

He has always sent angels across my path.

If we don’t acknowledge these blessings, it can be very easy to miss seeing His hand during certain seasons in life.

New friends in a new city I moved to.
This random person who invites random ladies for coffee…and I end up meeting someone who becomes a major part of my support system during the next 5 years of my life. Amazing how He orchestrates things!
In a world of very patronizing, critical people (and judgmental social media), He connects me with the most accepting and understanding moms group and lactation consultant any new mother can ask for!
Random introductions that turn into long-term clients. Thank You for Your provision!

Final Thoughts

I’m going to be honest. The 2023 me wasn’t feeling the joy this morning when I got up. But God did prompt me to start writing again and I’ve been putting it off for so long. (A toddler keeps one busy haha). But I can only ignore His prompts for so long.

And then…it happened.

How did He manage to help me scroll through old drafts and open the ONE piece that will remind me of some truths I desperately needed today?

And then…it happened.

He has just helped me regain some balance and it’s yet another example of how He continually helps me keep my footing through challenging seasons.

Need Help? 3 Phrases that Sound Cliche but Aren’t

Fact: life is hard.

No matter what situation you’re in, there’s bound to be a challenge coming your way. And that’s not being pessimistic. That’s just life.

How often do you feel you need help? Please read on for in case here’s something you need to hear today.

The Possibility of Hope

I’m not professing to have the answer to all situations. However, what I share today are a few hopeful moments that came across my path in the past few weeks.

For me, the challenge at the moment is being in the midst of a pregnancy. That’s one amazing privilege and adventure! But as the due date crawls closer I find myself overcome by a range of emotions…fears…situations. I battle to keep balance and I soooo want to do this right for this girl-baby’s benefit.

So, it feels like I’m facing a different challenge every other day. Not as big as some challenges in life…but when your actions affect a little soul coming into the world – and me being a new mom who usually likes being in control -…the challenges feel overwhelming.

However, when I look back over the past few weeks, as much as I can identify the challenges, I recognise Him. The Godly advice that came across my path was always there. IF I’m wise enough to open my mind to it.

Because I’m a word person, I think His guidance sticks in my head in the form of words…phrases. So here goes…a few of His words to me. Hopefully, they can bring a little light to one of your challenging days.

3 Phrases

Calm Down

Perhaps you think this is one phrase no one should ever say to you. In movies they joke about husbands who dare to say ‘calm down’ when a woman reacts. But when it’s God that places these words in your mind…you kind of listen.

For me, a personal struggle has been to keep balance between working and being pregnant. I aim to please and hate to disappoint. But when you’re pregnant, things must change. I simply couldn’t go on as I used to. It was affecting me and there was the risk of my work worries affecting my baby.

It took one scare of early contractions at 33 weeks to make me realise that I needed to adjust my mindset. 4 days in hospital and I was different. I had to be. Mrs In Control even cried with the nurse about how I didn’t know how to do it all right. But the promise of a new life growing inside you forces you to change.

But change isn’t always permanent. Each week I have to remind myself what my priority is. And perhaps God also knew I needed regular reminders.

For example, one morning during my quiet time, all that came to mind was ‘calm down’. And I knew. Calm down about the people I’m worried about…calm down about work…calm down about keeping housework up to date. It doesn’t help to worry and it definitely doesn’t help little Lucy when I’m tense all the time.

And then, when my husband left for work that day and out of the blue he said ‘relax…take it easy…‘, you know it’s God confirming the message for the day.

Do those words make life less stressful? No.

But:

It changes how I respond to the stress that wants to enter my life.
It helps me focus on simply getting the next thing done, instead of trying to handle everything at once.
They help me enjoy a meeting with a colleague, instead of only worrying about clients.
The advice makes me take 5 minutes just for myself in the still-empty babyroom, because I will never have those 5 minutes again.
And it makes me enjoy an evening on the couch to rest, even if I couldn’t get everything done, knowing that rest will empower me to face the next day’s workload.

Calm down. It has more positive outcomes than you may think.

He Didn’t Give Us a Spirit of Fear

My other panic I had to deal with over the past few weeks was the idea of giving birth. Despite amazing prenatal classes – which helped resolve some fears – I became a little paranoid. What was going to happen with me and Baby-Lucy in just a few weeks?

Even the thought that it could happen at any time was overwhelming. How can I be prepared if I don’t know when it’s coming?

And what if something went wrong? What if everything went wrong?

Once again, taking those few minutes of quiet and searching for His view on the topic – rather than my own – was the ONLY thing that changed my mindset about this. Not people, not books, not knowledge…but His Spirit showing me the TRUTH of the situation. Then, I could look at THE TRUTH instead of the enemy’s LIE that I should fear what was coming.

So, what was the truth in this case?

Sitting in my chair, I was overcome with the image of Him WATCHING over her. Also, a few weeks ago I looked up at the babyroom roof and noticed that there were exactly three down lights installed. Father, Son, Holy Spirit. 3 Sources of Light will be LOOKING over her daily. And a friend who was sharing with me what was on her heart gave me one simple word…WATCH. And I knew…God, the trinity was WATCHING over Lucy. THAT was the truth.

I didn’t have to worry…He was taking care of her. There in her room in future, but also while she was still in my womb. And instantly, that realisation removed the intense worry I carried with me during that week.

Will it be easy? Probably not. Will it hurt? Yes. Is there risk involved? Yes. But He is with her and I can simply do my part. He will do the rest.

Of course, the challenge is to live with that new-found realisation the next day and the next. This is where I do believe the Word is powerful, because the phrase that stuck in my head was ‘He did not give us a Spirit of fear, but of….a sound mind’. 2 Tim 1:7

SOUND MIND. As His child I did not have to buy into the chaos of stress. I can choose to take up His truth and promise and advice. But it IS a choice. And I try to choose that every day.

But fear can return…

A few days later my fear was that I wouldn’t cope when the moment arrived. How will I handle my water breaking or the pain of labour? What if I freaked out? Once again I had to return to the TRUTH of the matter, not the fear that comes so naturally. The truth that God designed me specifically for a situation like this. He made me woman. He created me for this purpose. And gave me a SOUND MIND to choose His peace and believe His promise if being there for us…but it’s my choice to take up that sound mind or surrender to panic.

The Price of Pride

Here, I simply wish I could thank all of the wonderful women God placed in my life over the past few years. There are new friends in the city we moved to, old friends who came back into my life, neighbours, family…the list is endless.

What I realised recently however is that I have robbed myself of so many blessings, because, like I said, I like being in control. Being pregnant at 39 was a huge new journey for me, but I didn’t want to admit to some of my younger friends the mental challenges I was facing.

Some of them have already had their children and were more than willing to give me the love and care and proper advice I needed. But it took me months to realise their value and discover the magic of sometimes being vulnerable.

And it’s pride that does that.

Pride, which I thought I’ve dealt with in my life.

When a young mom who simply loves helping other moms showed up on my doorstep with a gift (book on motherhood) and I saw all the book club friends’ names inside the card…I realised how dumb I’ve been. These women have been on my doorstep for over 2 years. And although I made friends with a few of them, I could have embraced them more and shared my worries, instead of trying to always save face.

They cared unconditionally. They understood the challenges I was going through. These women would have shared their stories without expecting anything in return, without laughing at my questions and without judging my opinions.

I know this is because I always want to be the one who helps. But wanting to ALWAYS be the rescuer is fuelled by unnecessary pride, not just love for others.

May I be wiser in future and stop missing out on the blessing of people.

Now What?

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. You don’t know what you’ll face in future.

I’m just holding on to these few words, because if He helped me learn lessons and find hope in the past few weeks…He’ll do it again in my tomorrows.

What’s your biggest challenge? What phrase helps you through the day? What advice do you have for me on my mom-journey?

Thank you for reading.

Fear vs Fearful

Here’s the power of words: It helped me understand myself better…and my God better.

Years ago I was a scared girl, inexperienced and doubting myself in everything. Thanks to amazing friends that God sent across my path, I soon conquered some of my inadequacies. Why? Because they helped me verbalize my thoughts and I started writing them down. Understanding my thoughts made it easier to deal with them.

Okay – there’s a whole psychological discussion we can have about the value of writing and speaking about your emotions and thoughts. But this isn’t what this blog is about.

Words also have the power to help us understand our Maker better. And today I realised the importance of understanding more sides to Him. The more I know and experience about Him and the more stories I have about Him in my life (words), the better it gets.

Examples:

He is the Lion, but also the Lamb
He is Love, but also justice and righteousness
He is understanding, but also expects certain things of us

Facing only one of these aspects can have us retreat from Him, or take liberty of His loving nature. But when we KNOW He is also the other, it adds a beautiful balance. To me it makes me want to know Him more…and become more like Him.

The process of discovery and putting words to what He does also helped me switch from simply being afraid (fearful) to fearing Him (the latter is the good thing we need to get to).

This Morning

This morning I read a passage that normally filled me with guilt and fear. Reading about how He got angry with the Israelites and sent other tribes against them is frightening. I don’t want Him to feel that way about me, right?

But something different happened in my soul this morning:

Reverence
Awe
Passion for righteousness

Why? Because of what I already know about Him.

This Past Year

I’ve had a very challenging year. Perhaps you’ve read some of my other blogs. But I can also say 2018 has been one of the best years. Why?

Because of how He guided me through dealing with loss and change
Because He sent people across my path whenever I needed them
Because He advised me
Because I saw Him help my loved ones

These experiences all got noted in my diary, the words plainly displaying my God’s characteristics. Did everything happen as I wished it would? No. But my God showed His power, care and foresight in sooooo many ways.

Result: I know Him to :

LOVE me
LOOK AFTER me
PROTECT me

Back to This Morning

Now I read about His wrath. He really got mad…and God is unchanging, so He still gets mad. Therefore, if I don’t listen, He will probably get mad at me too.

But looking from the perspective of this past year I know that what He chooses to do, say or feel towards my actions isn’t based on hate.

His actions are based on LOVE. If He prompts me to do something it’s because He LOVES the world and wants to LOVE the world through me.
When He tells me to become better tomorrow than I am today (more compassionate, less afraid, doing rather than simply talking), it’s because He’s LOOKING AFTER us on earth and He needs me to play my part. I signed up to be His ambassador on earth and that comes with certain expectations and requirements.
If He’s telling me to do this or not to do that, He’s probably PROTECTING me (and others) because He knows what’s coming.

These are characteristics I can FEAR, not BE AFRAID of.

Definitions

FEAR (in this context): To respect, revere and trust.

FEARFUL: Feeling or showing fear and anxiety.

Going Forward

Reading His words to the Israelites from this perspective, I pick up on passion for them, not simply being mad at them. He wished they would act differently for their own sakes and for the sake of the world. He had a plan and wanted to use them in it.

My God is not distant, apathetic or out for revenge. He is actively and passionately involved in our lives, for the better of us and humanity at large.

My feelings towards my God can be described with words of fear, but also of love and appreciation. This fills me with renewed passion to be the kind of believer He can use.

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Words…they have the power to improve minds…lives…communities…the world

Tag: Fear