Fear vs Fearful

Here’s the power of words: It helped me understand myself better…and my God better.

Years ago I was a scared girl, inexperienced and doubting myself in everything. Thanks to amazing friends that God sent across my path, I soon conquered some of my inadequacies. Why? Because they helped me verbalize my thoughts and I started writing them down. Understanding my thoughts made it easier to deal with them.

Okay – there’s a whole psychological discussion we can have about the value of writing and speaking about your emotions and thoughts. But this isn’t what this blog is about.

Words also have the power to help us understand our Maker better. And today I realised the importance of understanding more sides to Him. The more I know and experience about Him and the more stories I have about Him in my life (words), the better it gets.

Examples:

He is the Lion, but also the Lamb
He is Love, but also justice and righteousness
He is understanding, but also expects certain things of us

Facing only one of these aspects can have us retreat from Him, or take liberty of His loving nature. But when we KNOW He is also the other, it adds a beautiful balance. To me it makes me want to know Him more…and become more like Him.

The process of discovery and putting words to what He does also helped me switch from simply being afraid (fearful) to fearing Him (the latter is the good thing we need to get to).

This Morning

This morning I read a passage that normally filled me with guilt and fear. Reading about how He got angry with the Israelites and sent other tribes against them is frightening. I don’t want Him to feel that way about me, right?

But something different happened in my soul this morning:

Reverence
Awe
Passion for righteousness

Why? Because of what I already know about Him.

This Past Year

I’ve had a very challenging year. Perhaps you’ve read some of my other blogs. But I can also say 2018 has been one of the best years. Why?

Because of how He guided me through dealing with loss and change
Because He sent people across my path whenever I needed them
Because He advised me
Because I saw Him help my loved ones

These experiences all got noted in my diary, the words plainly displaying my God’s characteristics. Did everything happen as I wished it would? No. But my God showed His power, care and foresight in sooooo many ways.

Result: I know Him to :

LOVE me
LOOK AFTER me
PROTECT me

Back to This Morning

Now I read about His wrath. He really got mad…and God is unchanging, so He still gets mad. Therefore, if I don’t listen, He will probably get mad at me too.

But looking from the perspective of this past year I know that what He chooses to do, say or feel towards my actions isn’t based on hate.

His actions are based on LOVE. If He prompts me to do something it’s because He LOVES the world and wants to LOVE the world through me.
When He tells me to become better tomorrow than I am today (more compassionate, less afraid, doing rather than simply talking), it’s because He’s LOOKING AFTER us on earth and He needs me to play my part. I signed up to be His ambassador on earth and that comes with certain expectations and requirements.
If He’s telling me to do this or not to do that, He’s probably PROTECTING me (and others) because He knows what’s coming.

These are characteristics I can FEAR, not BE AFRAID of.

Definitions

FEAR (in this context): To respect, revere and trust.

FEARFUL: Feeling or showing fear and anxiety.

Going Forward

Reading His words to the Israelites from this perspective, I pick up on passion for them, not simply being mad at them. He wished they would act differently for their own sakes and for the sake of the world. He had a plan and wanted to use them in it.

My God is not distant, apathetic or out for revenge. He is actively and passionately involved in our lives, for the better of us and humanity at large.

My feelings towards my God can be described with words of fear, but also of love and appreciation. This fills me with renewed passion to be the kind of believer He can use.

God’s Not Allowing Me to Lose Hope in This Country

Okay, so I’m not professing to be an expert…definitely not a politician…and perhaps I’m naive in MANY aspects of life. But I only have what I perceive to be true. For me, what God shares with me is true. That’s all I have and all I cling to (naively) sometimes.

Why do I stick to this outlook? All the times I clung to His Word, words and guidance…it proved to be true (although sometimes only EVENTUALLY) and it proved ENOUGH.

So it stays. His opinion stays in my heart and it stays the thing I simply CAN’T let go of.

And what is it He’s refusing me to give up on now? Hope. Hope for this country, South Africa. Hope for my family in this country.

For some reason, He keeps on telling me to believe in South Africa.

How it Started

It started in 1994 when we all collected canned food in fear of civil war and chaos just before the election. That chaos didn’t happen, did it?

That cemented it for me: God had a plan for this country. So, for the next 20 years I firmly believed it and proclaimed it.

I also saw and became part of so many movements that fought for truth, for justice, for people’s rights, for reconciliation, for people’s healing and for God’s plan in this land. I KNEW He was busy with something and I believed: He has a plan to bring the best out of us. And we were all made for a time like this.

As I’m writing, I realise it’s important to remember that this plan is not focused on giving people comfort or glory. It’s so He can have the glory and that more people can find Him. That’s always the goal.

Back to my story: Now, I will be naive if I don’t admit certain things changed…got worse…have become scary over the last 20 years.

My Second Encouragement

I state again: I’m no political expert. But even I knew when a certain political figure got fired that it spelled bad news for us.

Bad news in terms of corruption and fighting for the rights of the common people. I find hope when I see good people still fight for what is right in corrupt environments. When they get beaten down, I do falter in my faith.

So, one morning I woke up. My husband saw it on the news. He told me. I burst into tears. In a moment, my fears became bigger than my 20 year long faith and trust. I was scared.

And then it came. For NO reason my husband read a scripture (not something he would necessarily do and he wasn’t aware I was crying fearfully) that told me not to fear. Forgive me, I can’t remember the specific verse, only that in that SPECIFIC moment God reminded me He is bigger than whatever is going on in parliament.

And my faith took hold again.

My Recent Reminder

Fast forward a few months and the news isn’t necessarily getting any better. I wake up this week. Fear grips me.

I only see chaos in parliament, corruption in the police force and hate between cultures. Leaders cheat us out of our money and it doesn’t seem that we can really bring them to justice.

Yes, I’m thankful certain role players (even international agencies) got outed and I’m a firm believer that those were miracles in themselves. But are we really moving in the right direction yet? And let’s not start on how scary it is to think of the fear farmers live in.

So my day starts with these thoughts. Perhaps because I heard about it a lot this past week. My heart flips…fear is on top again instead of faith.

My God is the only place I can run to. Something drives me to go seek His face early in the morning. (I admit, I’m not always so diligent). I pray. For our home, my day…but also passionately, fearfully, for our country. Begging for the yoke to be lifted all of our shoulders. All cultures. All races. We need peace.

And God answers. Instantly.

Nahum 1

The Lord is good,
    a refuge in times of trouble.
He cares for those who trust in him,
⁸    but with an overwhelming flood
…  he will pursue his foes into the realm of darkness.

…

“Although they have allies and are numerous,
they will be destroyed and pass away.
^…13Now I will break their yoke from your neck
and tear your shackles away.”

He will act. He is in charge. He sees.

I realize that Moses never saw the promised land. I have no guarantee that I will see our country in peace and utter victory. But I don’t know what happens after I’m gone. His promise fulfilled? That’s the possibility.

What I don’t want is that that victory takes longer because I don’t do my share in His plan.

Because here’s the other thing I believe: While He wants to give us release, He also expects us to do our part: Being God fearing people, following His values, living love. That’s our part in all of this.

Because I WAS created for a time like this. And my actions can bring the change He speaks of, whether it happens now or 20 or 50 years down the line.

I know it’s easier said than done, but I want to commit to His bigger plan, rather than my fearful one.

I CAN pray. I can do good to all around me, reminding more and more people that we’re not all bad, that race doesn’t have to matter, that we can decide to do good, rather than evil.

I see miracle stories. Reconciliation happens in small ways. Someone offers to buy another’s bread at a till, of you discuss racial differences with someone from a different culture (lovingly, not defensively). Someone writes a song about hope (oh, how I admire our artists who proclaim hope). People live moral lives based on wisdom, instead of taking the easy road. We keep on praying for the right leaders who are doing a tough job fighting corruption. These, to me, are the miracles…the steps in the right direction.

It’s what He calls me to do. Along with believing, not fearing. Not being naive, but realising our values, our prayers, our actions determine where this country ends up.

And I STILL believe there’s hope. Because He says so.

I Don’t Need to See the Future; God Does

So, today I’m preaching to myself. But I do hope this helps you as well.

I’m in an unplanned hole today. I did not expect to feel this alone, sad, dejected and tired. I was having a pretty good day yesterday. And then, all of a sudden ‘poof’…all my energy just seemed to go out of me. I don’t know where it went. I don’t know what pushed it out. I just know I arrived home from grocery shopping (happily I might add) and all of a sudden I could barely lift my arms. That’s how tired I was.

I don’t do tired. I don’t do weak. I don’t do complain. I wanted to get over it and just be fine again. But my body didn’t want to…so much that my mind couldn’t make it do what I wanted it to do.

So I had to surrender and spend the afternoon on the couch.

Is this a bout of depression? is this physical? Yes, but also emotional, since I haven’t cried like this in a while. So I’m just going through the stages until I feel myself again.

No, I’m still not 100%. But at least over the past few years I’ve learnt what I should do when life throws curve balls. For you it may be going for a run or reading a book or talking to a friend or painting. For me it’s writing. My diary is my refuge. That’s where I find God and where His voice becomes clearer when life seems to thunder over it.

So here’s my first piece of advice: When you realize you’ve been pushed past your limits, use the tools He gives us: Writing, singing worship songs, surrounding yourself with good people, the Word…whatever works for you.

So what did I find when I turned to my pen and paper? That’s what I need to share here. That’s what I need to proclaim so I don’t forget it; that the enemy can’t keep me down with a lie anymore. Because in my moments of utter fatigue, sadness and loneliness I keep thinking of what’s wrong and forget what is glorious.

In this bad moment I’m having I felt to just write about how He always provides and perhaps that’s my weapon for this moment. I’m thinking that by sharing this, reminding myself of what He is capable of, I’m fighting the negativity with the right words.

I seem to never plan my life very specifically. I would like to say that I know exactly where I’m going and what I’m going to have in 10 years’ time. But it never works out that way. I’ve taken steps of faith where I believe I’m inviting Him along on a journey with me. Somehow, the things I initiate never seem to work out. But what He starts always blossoms. So I want to proclaim the things He has brought to pass in my life.

I wanted to go overseas after school, but God suggested I stay right here in South Africa. What He kept me in this country for ended up being the best few years of my life.
10 years ago He prompted me to move to the coast and write. I was too scared, I took a detour…but a decade later I’m living near the sea…writing. (I wish I listened earlier, but I’m thankful for His patience).
The friendship with my best friend disintegrated over time. Only in hindsight did I see how He positioned other friends in my life in the months leading up to it. He knew. He knew who I would need. He knew I needed a support system. Though I don’t know anything about my used-to-be friend anymore, I want to believe He’s doing the same for her. He loves us all and his long term plans are amazing.
I left one job for what I thought was to be my dream job. The company didn’t make it (long story), but 10 months before it went down He led me towards another job. I didn’t pray for that one (I didn’t even think it was necessary to pray for a job). But it’s perfect. It fits me like a glove. As I’m sitting here writing I realise all its facets suit my skills perfectly.I’m a ‘Jane-of-all-trades’. Not all jobs can keep all my interests entertained. This one does.

Here’s the bottomline: He knows. He cares. He plans (even if I don’t, and even if I do). His plan is always better.

I have more stories. I realize there are many of them. For now, this soothes my soul. I hope it does yours.

Take care out there everyone. And share your story below if you have a glorious one. Remind yourself.

The Power of Acceptance

It probably sounds like a post about accepting others or yourself. Not today. This one is about accepting that you’re wrong.

Of course none of us are perfect. I KNOW that but I don’t LIVE that.

Have you ever had a disagreement with someone for months on end? Usually you just think the other person is the stubborn one…the one in the wrong…the one creating the conflict. What if he or she isn’t?

I was about 10 when I first realized this. I wish I remember this lesson more often. My sister and I used to fight a lot and I just thought it was because she was such an irritating little sister. Until one day.

After being scolded by my mother I wanted to tjustify my own part and from somewhere a voice came to me. ‘What if this is because of you?’.

I know I changed after that day. It’s etched in my mind as one of the first days I believe the Holy Spirit started teaching me about the value of relationships: That admitting my faults-ACCEPTING that I’m wrong-is a good thing.

Best of all is that it changed my view of my sister turning her into one of the people I respect most on earth.

Jump forward two decades and I’m at cross roads again. I make mistakes at work. I lose a close friend because of disagreements. I have intense discussions with family members.

Always there is the instinct to protect myself; to justify my reason for acting the way I did. But if only my actions can be justified I’m not giving the other person the benefit of the doubt that they could be right as well.

Sitting on the couch trying to deal with the hurt of losing someone close simply because you don’t agree-I’m literally mourning someone- I have moments of clarity.

They’re not full blown yet. But I taste what it could be like not to walk around with the hurt and dread anymore. And that doesn’t come from them admitting their faults or us resuming the joys of our relationships. It comes from:

Accepting that I hurt people
Accepting that I made wrong choices along the way
Accepting that I spoke too many negative words about them
Accepting that I should have changed my perspective at the start and just maybe it could have turned out differently.

There is a tiny layer of relief that comes with that. Part of it is that I can ask forgiveness-if only from God-for my mistakes. But I can’t ask for forgiveness if I don’t ACCEPT that I was wrong, right?

This doesn’t mean I’m the only one to blame. But I want to move forward and put this behind me.

And that brings one of the best feelings in the world: The dissipation of guilt. I realized for months I’ve been carrying guilt around mostly because I’m not sure what I did wrong. I’m still sifting through a whole lot of thoughts, feelings and perspectives to get to the bottom of what exactly happened in my life the past two years. (It’s been awesome, weird, hurting and educational all together).

But I realise I’ve been running from the wisdom God wants to give me because I don’t want to ACCEPT that I was wrong sometimes. Admitting my faults means I should have acted differently and I’m afraid I’ll feel regret and shame when I ACCEPT I’m wrong.

But the shame lifts, the guilt disappears and He promises me a good tomorrow. He’s been waiting for months to tell me this but I’ve been running from His voice. I hope you stop sooner than I did, look Him in the face, ACCEPT and feel how He tends to Your wounds.

Copperpaper's Blog

Words…they have the power to improve minds…lives…communities…the world

Category: Life