Stuck in the Mud

Today I just have a short thought to share.

Thinking about our current journey (LOTS of faith needed there!), I become aware of how God continually encourages me to trust Him with the future.

But oh wow, can I get overwhelmed with the unknown that lies ahead!!

I know He gets it, and is very patient with me…knowing how difficult it is for me.

But I’m hoping the metaphor I came up with keeps me a little more on track and less afraid all the time.

Faith = Stones | Unbelief = Mud

Imagine a field of mud and dotted all over you see stones. Big enough to stand on. Stepping stones. Clean. Dry. Safe.

But REPEATEDLY over the past few weeks, all I seem to do…all I seem to CHOOSE…is stepping in the mud.

The mud of unbelief – not trusting Him although He has shown me countless times that He always comes through in some way. All the while, His stone is there to make me feel less insecure.

The mud of fear – not trusting Him to look after our future, my husband, my daughter. While it’s completely safe on His stones of faith.

The mud of self-reliance – going round and round in circles in my head about how I can make the situation work…while He has proven that He is fully capable of taking us where we’re going and that He is orchestrating a beautiful story. While it’s much less exhausting on His stones of being at peace with what He brings along.

The mud of feeling despondent and overwhelmed – instead of stepping up onto a stone of faith that leads to joy about what’s to come…because I trust HIM with what’s coming.

Stepping Onto = A Choice

Faith is Godly. His Spirit shows me how to get it right. But I also need to CHOOSE to use what He gives me. I must CHOOSE to believe.

I don’t want to be sucked into the mud anymore.

To me, a picture sometimes helps make the better decision. I’m keeping this picture in mind to remind what NOT to do…and what other option there is.

feet on stepping stone of faith — Photo by Jordan Whitt on Unsplash

Here’s to hoping I step onto the stones a little more every day.

And Then…It Happened – Why I’m Smiling and 6 Things that Got me Here

[FULL DISCLOSURE: I started writing this way back when in 2019. It ended up in Drafts. I’m so enjoying reminding myself of these truths now, on a day in 2023 where I REALLY need some of this. And I realise how it still applies and His lessons are ongoing. So, excuse the mix of feelings, dates and facts. ]

2019 me: I wrote a lie a few weeks ago. Okay, as a writer I’m allowed to make things up, but how I wished it was true: The character on the page was happy. Happy to get up in the morning. Happy with his work. Happy to dream about the future.

I wrote it and knew that wasn’t me.

Yet.

But then I got up this morning and cautiously I explore my emotions. I’m smiling without faking it. I’m not dreading opening my laptop…I’m almost looking forward to it. I talk because I want to not because I’m trying to silence the voice of stress in my mind.

I’m in a good space. I’m happy.

Isn’t that what we all say we want out of life?

Of course I’ve been happy for a long time, but change and challenges and fears and stress have been robbing me of LIVING that for quite a while. I know the Giver of joy, but getting to the point where that joy filters through to more parts of my being…that took a while.

And I’m thankful…and of course I’m scared it all splinters into nothingness tomorrow morning. I’m realistic: I will always have good and bad days. But part of how you ensure you live in victory tomorrow is by acknowledging the breakthroughs of today. It’s the foundation for what’s to come.

So, for myself and anyone hoping to one day breathe a sigh of relief, I’m documenting this.

It took a year of hard work. Praying and believing for one plan for our family took a lot of energy. And then an entirely different plan played out. It shook us even though the second plan was also good. What is His eventual plans with us? Only time will tell.

Then came a move across the country, loss of friends, fears about having a family, old hurts that haunt us…2018 was tough…

But He never let go. I can vouch for my God who sent amazing people, resources and guidance along the way. Every time I listened (I don’t always) His assistance was there.

Maybe I’m rambling but I’m overcome by how good it feels to actually see the results of applying His wisdom.

He Told me To Eat Better

This is probably going to sound like a new year’s resolution post, but for months I’ve been prompted to change my habits. I’ve never been on diets because I enjoy food too much. However, healthier eating isn’t a diet – it’s a lifestyle I’m supposed to follow because I want this body to be able to do His bidding.

I won’t feel up to helping others, learning about His truths or even enjoying life if I’m feeling tired all the time. Note: I hate veggies. But He guided me to PICK the right things to eat:

Giving me a husband who LOVES veggies.
Realising I can’t expect a baby to grow inside a body that’s not able to support him or her.
Sending a friend to visit who sells health foods and having that small voice in my head say: This is what you’re supposed to be eating.

Repetition worked: His message was heard. And today I’m better for it.

I won’t ever LIKE veggies, but I add them to my plate because I KNOW it’s the right thing to do.

Does it sound like I’m a spoilt toddler wanting dessert before her meal? Isn’t that the way with all bad habits? We just want the easy way out. Whether it’s lying, being lazy, choosing the wrong friends.

But no matter your age you can still change it around.

A lot of times I didn’t want to make changes in my life because it felt embarassing: How can I be in my 30s and still fail at simple things? It’s easier to ignore and simply carry on, right?

But those bad habits are the things that make me not want to get up in the morning. I wasn’t always proud of the life I was living: Unhealthy, rushed, stressed, chaotic.

Eating differently and realising it led to a more energetic life inspires me to break other bad habits too. Feeling less lethargic makes me excited about what else I can change in my life even though I’ve had bad habits all through my 20s.

He Prompted Me To Look After my Body

He also sent me this very cool friend who went through a particular challenge with her own body. Today she realises the value of strong muscles and healthy bones and she has this passion to help others prevent what she had to go through. A year’s struggle with permanent pain is no joke.

Her words…once again that small voice prompted me. If I can prevent certain ailments in life, why not? There’s no reason to live with regret; He is sending me the message NOW so I can have more quality of life later on.

Once again: I’m not proud that I’m not living a super healthy life. For me it has always been my mind taking priority, not my body. But the one can’t live without the other. For now, I feel Him prompting me to give a little more attention to my physical existence. I guess He still wants me around for a while.

And I will say it again: My God is PRACTICAL.

It only takes a call from a suffering friend to realise the importance of this lesson: We live in a stressful society and if our bodies are unfit and unwell to begin with, the chances of weathering a particularly difficult time at work or home become quite slim.

And that’s when breakdowns happen. I’ve had one. I don’t want to go down that road again.

He made us a wonderful mix of body, soul and spirit. This year I’m trying my best to look after all three and this morning that plan resulted in getting up with a smile. I’m thankful for all the small messages and prompts He sent during 2018.

He Taught me About Time Management

This one closely relates to that stress aspect. I’m a very good…procrastinator. [This is where 2023-me continues the story] And then, whatever the task is that I’m ignoring and not getting to, creates STRESS at the back of my mind.

Luckily, through everything from becoming a mom in 2021 to having a good therapist that helps me identify my weak points, I have learnt to no longer procrastinate as much as before. It has become second…okay, maybe third nature to simply face a task head on, because I know leaving it until later isn’t good for me, or my family. (A stressed mom is never at her best).

Do I succeed every day? No! But I see victory in this area. And as it was a particular topic of prayer for me (trying to reduce stress in my life), I appreciate how He helped me in such a practical way.

He Offered His Peace

Can I just confirm that His peace really does surpass all understanding!

I’ve been outside hanging washing while worrying about the future. And then…poof…it’s gone. A luxurious peace descends and I know ‘He’s got this’.

I have been in bed praying over and over ‘I need You…I need You’. In that moment I am terrified and overcome with emotion that I can not control. And then…poof…it dissipates and I can breathe again.

I can’t explain it.

I’m just thankful for it.

He’s Waiting to Share My Purpose With Me

Purpose is a big thing for me. I can’t live without having direction.

This also means that when I’m unsure about what His purpose for me is, I feel very unsure about facing the days head on.

Here’s what I tend to forget: He is ALWAYS ready to share His thoughts with me. Unfortunately, I don’t always sit down to ask and listen for His reply

Purpose has changed over the years.

Employed in ministry
Writer
Wife
Mother

But so often life, technology, worries and even people can distract us from what we should be focusing on, right?

This morning again I was reminded of what He thinks I should be doing with my time. And I know that if I don’t prioritise it, I can’t blame anyone but myself for the emptiness or sense of being lost that tends to descend because of me ignoring my purpose.

Here’s to better use of my time next week. 🙂

He Sent Angels

He has always sent angels across my path.

If we don’t acknowledge these blessings, it can be very easy to miss seeing His hand during certain seasons in life.

New friends in a new city I moved to.
This random person who invites random ladies for coffee…and I end up meeting someone who becomes a major part of my support system during the next 5 years of my life. Amazing how He orchestrates things!
In a world of very patronizing, critical people (and judgmental social media), He connects me with the most accepting and understanding moms group and lactation consultant any new mother can ask for!
Random introductions that turn into long-term clients. Thank You for Your provision!

Final Thoughts

I’m going to be honest. The 2023 me wasn’t feeling the joy this morning when I got up. But God did prompt me to start writing again and I’ve been putting it off for so long. (A toddler keeps one busy haha). But I can only ignore His prompts for so long.

And then…it happened.

How did He manage to help me scroll through old drafts and open the ONE piece that will remind me of some truths I desperately needed today?

And then…it happened.

He has just helped me regain some balance and it’s yet another example of how He continually helps me keep my footing through challenging seasons.

It’s Difficult

It’s difficult to find yourself…your purpose…your niche where you know you’ll flourish. Because there are so many options. And you see others and watch others and think…’oh, that’s how I’m supposed to do it’.

But it’s not.

Difficult to Find Your Spot

So many other people’s paradise have been my downfall. Their ideal soil was where I perished instead of grew.

And all the while I’m wasting precious time I could have simply invested in finding my spot. My corner – my niche. My lane to run in.

I know all the jargon. I’ve read all the books.

But still, it’s difficult.

I want to be a mother as good as that friend.
I want to travel the world like that one.
I want to have the work title that other lady has.

Sound familiar?

But all the while I have a different purpose!

What I Know

And I know that I have that purpose because wherever I go You, Lord, send people who need me…who I connect with…with whom I grow…that teach me. And that’s valuable. You are on Your way with me.

I’m not off track, because continuously I see how You’re actively involved in where I’m going. And today I heard again how all You really care about is pulling us closer to You. That’s where You’re going with us.

But still I glance to someone else’s lane sometimes.

It’s difficult…to keep eyes front…to keep ears to Your voice (instead of people’s opinions).

It’s difficult.

Difficult to Grasp Your Patience

In all of this, You have always been so kind.

Never have You given up, trying to direct me on my path.

Never have You stopped sending people my way to provide guidance when I need it.

Never have You not spoken in some or other manner – even if it’s after a long time of me trying to figure out stuff on my own before asking for Your input.

Always, You are right there. Next to me. Patiently waiting for me to take the next step forward.

Patiently helping me live out the purpose of getting to know You more.

So I Got Bad News Yesterday

So, I got bad news yesterday.

It’s not a life or death situation, but close enough. It’s dire enough to leave me confused, disappointed, unsure.

Not unsure of Him – More than ever, I know He’s there, because He showed me His presence this past six months. So powerfully that I can’t lie to myself and say He hasn’t got this. He’s got this. Me. Us

But I’m sore. And alone because only I know how I deal with this. Others go through similar trials and survive. I will too. But my struggle will be unique based on my personality, values and experiences.

So I want to run to the place I always went to: My best friend. Only…I lost that friend this past year as well (not to death, only to choices), so that’s not an option. But I want to pick up the phone and find comfort and advice where I used to.

But God’s not letting me. And I realise: He has a different plan.

What He has in store for me is that He’s sending two of the best people I know into my life this week. He knew this was coming and two sources of infinite wisdom, grace, love and Godly insight…they’re on their way.

They’re not my habitual go-to cry buddies. But I know they are fully geared for this job of helping me find whatever I need to get through this:

To see His perspective
Determine what I’m supposed to pray (as I’m so confused about His will for this situation)
To find comfort in a heavenly manner
To cry and use the Godly way of dealing with hurt and sadness

The person I wish was here may never be there for me again. But He knows what I need to work through this trial. And He already planned to send them to my city this week, even though they live far far away. He scheduled them into my calendar even before yesterday happened.

That’s how practical, caring and in control my God is.

So, thank You. For once again making plans I didn’t even knew were necessary.

You always provide…not in what I WISH I can get…but by giving what I really NEED.

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Tag: Life