But I’m hoping the metaphor I came up with keeps me a little more on track and less afraid all the time.
Faith = Stones | Unbelief = Mud
Imagine a field of mud and dotted all over you see stones. Big enough to stand on. Stepping stones. Clean. Dry. Safe.
But REPEATEDLY over the past few weeks, all I seem to do…all I seem to CHOOSE…is stepping in the mud.
The mud of unbelief – not trusting Him although He has shown me countless times that He always comes through in some way. All the while, His stone is there to make me feel less insecure.
The mud of fear – not trusting Him to look after our future, my husband, my daughter. While it’s completely safe on His stones of faith.
The mud of self-reliance – going round and round in circles in my head about how I can make the situation work…while He has proven that He is fully capable of taking us where we’re going and that He is orchestrating a beautiful story. While it’s much less exhausting on His stones of being at peace with what He brings along.
The mud of feeling despondent and overwhelmed – instead of stepping up onto a stone of faith that leads to joy about what’s to come…because I trust HIM with what’s coming.
Stepping Onto = A Choice
Faith is Godly. His Spirit shows me how to get it right. But I also need to CHOOSE to use what He gives me. I must CHOOSE to believe.
I don’t want to be sucked into the mud anymore.
To me, a picture sometimes helps make the better decision. I’m keeping this picture in mind to remind what NOT to do…and what other option there is.
Photo by Jordan Whitt on Unsplash
Here’s to hoping I step onto the stones a little more every day.
[FULL DISCLOSURE: I started writing this way back when in 2019. It ended up in Drafts. I’m so enjoying reminding myself of these truths now, on a day in 2023 where I REALLY need some of this. And I realise how it still applies and His lessons are ongoing. So, excuse the mix of feelings, dates and facts. ]
2019 me: I wrote a lie a few weeks ago. Okay, as a writer I’m allowed to make things up, but how I wished it was true: The character on the page was happy. Happy to get up in the morning. Happy with his work. Happy to dream about the future.
I wrote it and knew that wasn’t me.
Yet.
But then I got up this morning and cautiously I explore my emotions. I’m smiling without faking it. I’m not dreading opening my laptop…I’m almost looking forward to it. I talk because I want to not because I’m trying to silence the voice of stress in my mind.
I’m in a good space. I’m happy.
Isn’t that what we all say we want out of life?
Of course I’ve been happy for a long time, but change and challenges and fears and stress have been robbing me of LIVING that for quite a while. I know the Giver of joy, but getting to the point where that joy filters through to more parts of my being…that took a while.
And I’m thankful…and of course I’m scared it all splinters into nothingness tomorrow morning. I’m realistic: I will always have good and bad days. But part of how you ensure you live in victory tomorrow is by acknowledging the breakthroughs of today. It’s the foundation for what’s to come.
So, for myself and anyone hoping to one day breathe a sigh of relief, I’m documenting this.
It took a year of hard work. Praying and believing for one plan for our family took a lot of energy. And then an entirely different plan played out. It shook us even though the second plan was also good. What is His eventual plans with us? Only time will tell.
Then came a move across the country, loss of friends, fears about having a family, old hurts that haunt us…2018 was tough…
But He never let go. I can vouch for my God who sent amazing people, resources and guidance along the way. Every time I listened (I don’t always) His assistance was there.
Maybe I’m rambling but I’m overcome by how good it feels to actually see the results of applying His wisdom.
He Told me To Eat Better
This is probably going to sound like a new year’s resolution post, but for months I’ve been prompted to change my habits. I’ve never been on diets because I enjoy food too much. However, healthier eating isn’t a diet – it’s a lifestyle I’m supposed to follow because I want this body to be able to do His bidding.
I won’t feel up to helping others, learning about His truths or even enjoying life if I’m feeling tired all the time. Note: I hate veggies. But He guided me to PICK the right things to eat:
Giving me a husband who LOVES veggies.
Realising I can’t expect a baby to grow inside a body that’s not able to support him or her.
Sending a friend to visit who sells health foods and having that small voice in my head say: This is what you’re supposed to be eating.
Repetition worked: His message was heard. And today I’m better for it.
I won’t ever LIKE veggies, but I add them to my plate because I KNOW it’s the right thing to do.
Does it sound like I’m a spoilt toddler wanting dessert before her meal? Isn’t that the way with all bad habits? We just want the easy way out. Whether it’s lying, being lazy, choosing the wrong friends.
But no matter your age you can still change it around.
A lot of times I didn’t want to make changes in my life because it felt embarassing: How can I be in my 30s and still fail at simple things? It’s easier to ignore and simply carry on, right?
But those bad habits are the things that make me not want to get up in the morning. I wasn’t always proud of the life I was living: Unhealthy, rushed, stressed, chaotic.
Eating differently and realising it led to a more energetic life inspires me to break other bad habits too. Feeling less lethargic makes me excited about what else I can change in my life even though I’ve had bad habits all through my 20s.
He Prompted Me To Look After my Body
He also sent me this very cool friend who went through a particular challenge with her own body. Today she realises the value of strong muscles and healthy bones and she has this passion to help others prevent what she had to go through. A year’s struggle with permanent pain is no joke.
Her words…once again that small voice prompted me. If I can prevent certain ailments in life, why not? There’s no reason to live with regret; He is sending me the message NOW so I can have more quality of life later on.
Once again: I’m not proud that I’m not living a super healthy life. For me it has always been my mind taking priority, not my body. But the one can’t live without the other. For now, I feel Him prompting me to give a little more attention to my physical existence. I guess He still wants me around for a while.
And I will say it again: My God is PRACTICAL.
It only takes a call from a suffering friend to realise the importance of this lesson: We live in a stressful society and if our bodies are unfit and unwell to begin with, the chances of weathering a particularly difficult time at work or home become quite slim.
And that’s when breakdowns happen. I’ve had one. I don’t want to go down that road again.
He made us a wonderful mix of body, soul and spirit. This year I’m trying my best to look after all three and this morning that plan resulted in getting up with a smile. I’m thankful for all the small messages and prompts He sent during 2018.
He Taught me About Time Management
This one closely relates to that stress aspect. I’m a very good…procrastinator. [This is where 2023-me continues the story] And then, whatever the task is that I’m ignoring and not getting to, creates STRESS at the back of my mind.
Luckily, through everything from becoming a mom in 2021 to having a good therapist that helps me identify my weak points, I have learnt to no longer procrastinate as much as before. It has become second…okay, maybe third nature to simply face a task head on, because I know leaving it until later isn’t good for me, or my family. (A stressed mom is never at her best).
Do I succeed every day? No! But I see victory in this area. And as it was a particular topic of prayer for me (trying to reduce stress in my life), I appreciate how He helped me in such a practical way.
I’ve been outside hanging washing while worrying about the future. And then…poof…it’s gone. A luxurious peace descends and I know ‘He’s got this’.
I have been in bed praying over and over ‘I need You…I need You’. In that moment I am terrified and overcome with emotion that I can not control. And then…poof…it dissipates and I can breathe again.
This morning again I was reminded of what He thinks I should be doing with my time. And I know that if I don’t prioritise it, I can’t blame anyone but myself for the emptiness or sense of being lost that tends to descend because of me ignoring my purpose.
Here’s to better use of my time next week. 🙂
He Sent Angels
He has always sent angels across my path.
If we don’t acknowledge these blessings, it can be very easy to miss seeing His hand during certain seasons in life.
New friends in a new city I moved to.
This random person who invites random ladies for coffee…and I end up meeting someone who becomes a major part of my support system during the next 5 years of my life. Amazing how He orchestrates things!
In a world of very patronizing, critical people (and judgmental social media), He connects me with the most accepting and understanding moms group and lactation consultant any new mother can ask for!
Random introductions that turn into long-term clients. Thank You for Your provision!
Final Thoughts
I’m going to be honest. The 2023 me wasn’t feeling the joy this morning when I got up. But God did prompt me to start writing again and I’ve been putting it off for so long. (A toddler keeps one busy haha). But I can only ignore His prompts for so long.
And then…it happened.
How did He manage to help me scroll through old drafts and open the ONE piece that will remind me of some truths I desperately needed today?
And then…it happened.
He has just helped me regain some balance and it’s yet another example of how He continually helps me keep my footing through challenging seasons.
It’s difficult to find yourself…your purpose…your niche where you know you’ll flourish. Because there are so many options. And you see others and watch others and think…’oh, that’s how I’m supposed to do it’.
But it’s not.
Difficult to Find Your Spot
So many other people’s paradise have been my downfall. Their ideal soil was where I perished instead of grew.
And all the while I’m wasting precious time I could have simply invested in finding my spot. My corner – my niche. My lane to run in.
I know all the jargon. I’ve read all the books.
But still, it’s difficult.
I want to be a mother as good as that friend.
I want to travel the world like that one.
I want to have the work title that other lady has.
Sound familiar?
But all the while I have a different purpose!
What I Know
And I know that I have that purpose because wherever I go You, Lord, send people who need me…who I connect with…with whom I grow…that teach me. And that’s valuable. You are on Your way with me.
I’m not off track, because continuously I see how You’re actively involved in where I’m going. And today I heard again how all You really care about is pulling us closer to You. That’s where You’re going with us.
But still I glance to someone else’s lane sometimes.
It’s difficult…to keep eyes front…to keep ears to Your voice (instead of people’s opinions).
It’s difficult.
Difficult to Grasp Your Patience
In all of this, You have always been so kind.
Never have You given up, trying to direct me on my path.
Never have You stopped sending people my way to provide guidance when I need it.
Never have You not spoken in some or other manner – even if it’s after a long time of me trying to figure out stuff on my own before asking for Your input.
Always, You are right there. Next to me. Patiently waiting for me to take the next step forward.
Patiently helping me live out the purpose of getting to know You more.
I can’t believe we got this far. A year ago it was only a dream. 8 months ago I felt utterly devastated…and now we’re nearing the third trimester. The baby we’ve been hoping and praying for – for years – is almost here.
Our journey has not been an easy one. Then…it has not been as difficult as many other couples’ paths.
But it HAS been a moulding season in our lives. Looking back we are in awe of the goodness, while recognising the difficult moments. It taught us lessons and resilience in new ways. And while it was difficult, I actually don’t want to simply forget the bad times.
The Importance of Reflecting on Seasons
Apart from being super excited about holding our daughter in a few months’ time, I also want to remember what else we’ve gained. It’s the lessons that can help us in future and if we carry them with us, coming seasons may be less overwhelming.
Also, I’m passionate about potential. Potential should bloom so we can all become what God planned us to be. I believe that aligning with His plan leads to more contentment, more purpose and more of Him. And lessons and wisdom are vital for that kind of life.
One of the things I can recognise in every challenging time I’ve ever faced was how God was present. Often, I only realised it afterwards. Or, I only realised in what great capacity He has been there all along – while I was trying to figure it out myself. It would have been so much easier if I recognised Him from the start. But He is patient and always ready to dry my tears and helps me pick up pieces and move ahead.
This time, we were once again blessed by Him every step of the way, even though there were difficult days. And if that is His desire – to be with me during challenges – then He wants to be that for me every day. Because God doesn’t change. His attitude and characteristics stay the same.
So, here’s what I want to remember and look for in future when there are challenges heading our way.
5 Truths About God to Look for During Difficult Seasons
People – He Sends Them
This is the thing I’ve been astounded with the most: the people He sent.
I have always been blessed with good people in my life and I will always be thankful for that. But the number of people God sent my way that had SPECIFIC value and SPECIFIC roles to play during this season of praying for a baby…blew my mind.
Help EXACTLY When You Need it
I remember the day after deciding that we will take the big step of visiting a fertility clinic. That morning a client that has become a friend messaged me about work. Knowing we shared the same beliefs, I felt to share with her about my situation and decision.
Let’s be clear: I don’t share personal matters easily. But that day I just FELT to. And for the rest of the day I received messages from that lady who went through exactly what I was going through…for years. I had no idea that they had struggled to have kids themselves. To find understanding in a moment when I was intensely vulnerable about the waters I have chosen to walk on, was of incomparable value.
He knew I needed those words. He prompted me to share. He even planned it that she would need work done on that day, to initiate a conversation. Over the next few months this lady became a pillar of strength. She helped me feel comfortable with my emotions, whatever they were and she carried me in prayer.
So Many People Helped me
In the same way, people I’ve known for years came ‘back on the scene’. Each one played integral roles in carrying me through:
The days I didn’t know how to have faith
My journey as a potential parent
The fears of not having any control about the outcome of fertility treatment
Thinking about what your imperfect body may be incapable of doing
…and how He plays a role in all of this.
Without these people, our journey would have been more alone, daunting and overwhelming.
I thank Him for the people He activated to play their roles in my story and know to always watch for them in future seasons.
Timing – It Matters
One of the first things I remember of the journey of the past year was the moment we decided that we should go to a fertility clinic.
The Journey
For years we’ve known that our chances of having a baby naturally were slim, for medical reasons. By God’s grace it wasn’t torture each month to realise that conception still didn’t happen, although there were sad moments. Friends often prompted me to find out about other options, but in my heart I knew I could never consider fertility treatment, adoption or anything else unless I felt an urge to.
Becoming a parent is a huge enough endeavour. To face the challenges that come with IVF or IUI would put strain on us. We may doubt our decisions around every bend in the road. I believed that without the necessary conviction and drive, that journey would be much worse than it should be.
This conviction came from my personal perspective and I know each person is unique, so it will be different for everyone. But for me, I knew I didn’t need to be a mother in order to feel fulfilled. God has filled my life with so much – passions, hobbies, people, a husband, talents – that I knew I could be happy with or without becoming a parent. Therefore, I didn’t want to push the topic just because I was getting older or because everyone around me had children. It was something I would have liked, but not something I craved. And I believed that without craving it…without that drive…a journey of infertility treatment would just be too much for me to handle.
So I waited. Countless times I said that ‘unless I felt something in me shift’ and switch on that desire to be a parent – which so many of my friends spoke about before their child-prayers were answered – I didn’t want to force us into a season we may not be ready for.
The Shift
That season eventually arrived when I was 38. (Late in life I knew…but still a perfect time for us). In a moment, in July 2020, I simply knew that it was the next step we needed to take. In that moment I was intensely sad – heartbroken – about the fact that it hasn’t happened for us yet. I had never felt that way before. And I knew something in my heart shifted.
By His grace (once again), my husband was working from home that day, found me crying and I could share my heart with him. And the journey started.
What followed was challenging but beautiful and miraculous. I think it would have been much different had I not waited for the time my gut (spirit) was telling me to wait for.
While writing this, please know that I’m not saying everyone’s journeys will be this way. You can be in His perfect timing and still wait for years for a prayer to come to fruitition. But countless times I’ve seen that when He does ask you to wait or if He suggests a timeline in your heart…it’s always best to follow it.
Preparation – He Saw this Coming a Mile Away
So, the clinic we went to.
18 months before that July 2020 day, we received the results of blood tests that told us how slim our chances were of having children. We did NOT expect it. We were shattered.
By God’s grace (yes, again), one of my friends and mentors (people…again) was in town (she lives a few hundred km away). We met for coffee the day after the results came and the moment I sat down I burst into tears.
Long story short, years ago she lived in the same city I live in now. She knew about a well respected fertility doctor and also knew him to be an amazing believer in the God we serve. This was encouraging in itself, just to know that there were options…good options for us to pursue in a city we’ve only recently moved to.
But wait, there’s more:
She also knew his receptionist.
They were having dinner with that receptionist that very evening.
Minutes later, that receptionist walked past our table, shopping for that evening’s dinner.
I am NOT kidding.
Now to be clear, we ended up only going to this doctor over a year later. But having that knowledge and seeing how He guided me to meet up with His future role players in my life that day, was something to hold on to. He knew well ahead of time what and who I would need and put things in motion to benefit my journey.
So, the question is, when you look back, which ‘accidental’ or ‘coincidental’ situations can you identify over the past few years or months? Could His plan for you already be in motion, but you just don’t see the final result yet?
Once again, I would like to mention ‘timing’. I could have rushed to the doctor the very next day after I heard about him. Perhaps God would have let everything play out in our favour anyway. Or perhaps, because I truly didn’t feel the time was right, it would have been a longer – more stresful – journey. I will never know, but seeing how things fell in place over time, I am comforted by the fact that He doesn’t need everything to happen TODAY. Two years from now is still in His plan.
Opportunities – He is in the Business of Activating Potential
In every challenge there are ways He blesses us as a couple. In addition, there’s almost always also a way – an opportunity – to pay it forward. That’s the potential of each situation. The blessing and lessons He is giving us can also help someone else and we need to keep our eyes peeled for those opportunities.
For us it was an immense blessing to be able to pass on the message of our fertility journey to friends who had a miscarriage while we were still waiting to see if our treatment worked. Even being a little further ahead in the journey enabled us to give someone else hope.
Opportunities are everywhere, whether it is to get a new job, to bless someone, to learn something…we just need to look for them.
Advice – He Speaks in Many Ways
Finally, let’s talk about the wonderful doctor that helped us.
My View
Note: I’m extremely stubborn. I don’t easily change my mind (my poor husband will confirm this).
So, when we started on the fertility journey, I just wanted to try a procedure once. I didn’t want to regret not ever trying, but I couldn’t see myself trying five or 10 times like some couples have the courage to. For one thing, I was already 38 and felt I didn’t want to be pregnant well into my forties. So, if it didn’t happen after the first try, I would make peace with it. Also, it’s expensive no matter what procedure your doctor advises, so we had to be realistic about what is affordable.
The Doctor’s View
Enter, the awesome doctor.
My stubborness even extends to doctors’ advice as I don’t easily believe anything people tell me, even if they’re professionals. But sitting in front of that doctor that day was different. He of course knew what he was talking about but he also had amazing bedside manners. He took the time to explain everything to us, listen to our fears and questions and even understood my tears.
Part of his communication to us was that although he had faith in God that He could make a tiny life happen for us, he also faced the realities of statistics. We needed to take this into consideration too. Each time we tried, we would increase our chances of being the next couple getting the good news of conception and hopefully a healthy baby. How he spoke and explained helped me open my mind to a different perspective. And today I am eternally grateful for that practical advice that prepared me for the road ahead.
Our first IUI wasn’t succesful. But his advice made the outcome less overwhelming.
The second IUI was much more draining emotionally. But we were more ready to face it than we would have been had he not played advisor as well as physician.
Had I not taken his advice from day one, I would have made the journey much harder on myself.
And when I now look back on other challenges I’ve had, I can also pinpoint good advice coming my way. Sometimes I took it…sometimes I didn’t. So, the question is, what advice should you be taking at the moment?
Last Thoughts
So, our littly Miracle is thankfully on her way after two IUI cycles.
Other couples have to go through much more to hold their miracle children in their arms. We’re still praying for the last few months that lie ahead. But the journey so far has been miraculous in so many ways that we can’t but say thank You. Thank You for showing yourself in different ways through different people. You are always there Lord and may I remember these lessons, no matter what crosses our path in future seasons. I want to recognise Your hand, even in the difficult times.
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