But I’m hoping the metaphor I came up with keeps me a little more on track and less afraid all the time.
Faith = Stones | Unbelief = Mud
Imagine a field of mud and dotted all over you see stones. Big enough to stand on. Stepping stones. Clean. Dry. Safe.
But REPEATEDLY over the past few weeks, all I seem to do…all I seem to CHOOSE…is stepping in the mud.
The mud of unbelief – not trusting Him although He has shown me countless times that He always comes through in some way. All the while, His stone is there to make me feel less insecure.
The mud of fear – not trusting Him to look after our future, my husband, my daughter. While it’s completely safe on His stones of faith.
The mud of self-reliance – going round and round in circles in my head about how I can make the situation work…while He has proven that He is fully capable of taking us where we’re going and that He is orchestrating a beautiful story. While it’s much less exhausting on His stones of being at peace with what He brings along.
The mud of feeling despondent and overwhelmed – instead of stepping up onto a stone of faith that leads to joy about what’s to come…because I trust HIM with what’s coming.
Stepping Onto = A Choice
Faith is Godly. His Spirit shows me how to get it right. But I also need to CHOOSE to use what He gives me. I must CHOOSE to believe.
I don’t want to be sucked into the mud anymore.
To me, a picture sometimes helps make the better decision. I’m keeping this picture in mind to remind what NOT to do…and what other option there is.
Photo by Jordan Whitt on Unsplash
Here’s to hoping I step onto the stones a little more every day.
[FULL DISCLOSURE: I started writing this way back when in 2019. It ended up in Drafts. I’m so enjoying reminding myself of these truths now, on a day in 2023 where I REALLY need some of this. And I realise how it still applies and His lessons are ongoing. So, excuse the mix of feelings, dates and facts. ]
2019 me: I wrote a lie a few weeks ago. Okay, as a writer I’m allowed to make things up, but how I wished it was true: The character on the page was happy. Happy to get up in the morning. Happy with his work. Happy to dream about the future.
I wrote it and knew that wasn’t me.
Yet.
But then I got up this morning and cautiously I explore my emotions. I’m smiling without faking it. I’m not dreading opening my laptop…I’m almost looking forward to it. I talk because I want to not because I’m trying to silence the voice of stress in my mind.
I’m in a good space. I’m happy.
Isn’t that what we all say we want out of life?
Of course I’ve been happy for a long time, but change and challenges and fears and stress have been robbing me of LIVING that for quite a while. I know the Giver of joy, but getting to the point where that joy filters through to more parts of my being…that took a while.
And I’m thankful…and of course I’m scared it all splinters into nothingness tomorrow morning. I’m realistic: I will always have good and bad days. But part of how you ensure you live in victory tomorrow is by acknowledging the breakthroughs of today. It’s the foundation for what’s to come.
So, for myself and anyone hoping to one day breathe a sigh of relief, I’m documenting this.
It took a year of hard work. Praying and believing for one plan for our family took a lot of energy. And then an entirely different plan played out. It shook us even though the second plan was also good. What is His eventual plans with us? Only time will tell.
Then came a move across the country, loss of friends, fears about having a family, old hurts that haunt us…2018 was tough…
But He never let go. I can vouch for my God who sent amazing people, resources and guidance along the way. Every time I listened (I don’t always) His assistance was there.
Maybe I’m rambling but I’m overcome by how good it feels to actually see the results of applying His wisdom.
He Told me To Eat Better
This is probably going to sound like a new year’s resolution post, but for months I’ve been prompted to change my habits. I’ve never been on diets because I enjoy food too much. However, healthier eating isn’t a diet – it’s a lifestyle I’m supposed to follow because I want this body to be able to do His bidding.
I won’t feel up to helping others, learning about His truths or even enjoying life if I’m feeling tired all the time. Note: I hate veggies. But He guided me to PICK the right things to eat:
Giving me a husband who LOVES veggies.
Realising I can’t expect a baby to grow inside a body that’s not able to support him or her.
Sending a friend to visit who sells health foods and having that small voice in my head say: This is what you’re supposed to be eating.
Repetition worked: His message was heard. And today I’m better for it.
I won’t ever LIKE veggies, but I add them to my plate because I KNOW it’s the right thing to do.
Does it sound like I’m a spoilt toddler wanting dessert before her meal? Isn’t that the way with all bad habits? We just want the easy way out. Whether it’s lying, being lazy, choosing the wrong friends.
But no matter your age you can still change it around.
A lot of times I didn’t want to make changes in my life because it felt embarassing: How can I be in my 30s and still fail at simple things? It’s easier to ignore and simply carry on, right?
But those bad habits are the things that make me not want to get up in the morning. I wasn’t always proud of the life I was living: Unhealthy, rushed, stressed, chaotic.
Eating differently and realising it led to a more energetic life inspires me to break other bad habits too. Feeling less lethargic makes me excited about what else I can change in my life even though I’ve had bad habits all through my 20s.
He Prompted Me To Look After my Body
He also sent me this very cool friend who went through a particular challenge with her own body. Today she realises the value of strong muscles and healthy bones and she has this passion to help others prevent what she had to go through. A year’s struggle with permanent pain is no joke.
Her words…once again that small voice prompted me. If I can prevent certain ailments in life, why not? There’s no reason to live with regret; He is sending me the message NOW so I can have more quality of life later on.
Once again: I’m not proud that I’m not living a super healthy life. For me it has always been my mind taking priority, not my body. But the one can’t live without the other. For now, I feel Him prompting me to give a little more attention to my physical existence. I guess He still wants me around for a while.
And I will say it again: My God is PRACTICAL.
It only takes a call from a suffering friend to realise the importance of this lesson: We live in a stressful society and if our bodies are unfit and unwell to begin with, the chances of weathering a particularly difficult time at work or home become quite slim.
And that’s when breakdowns happen. I’ve had one. I don’t want to go down that road again.
He made us a wonderful mix of body, soul and spirit. This year I’m trying my best to look after all three and this morning that plan resulted in getting up with a smile. I’m thankful for all the small messages and prompts He sent during 2018.
He Taught me About Time Management
This one closely relates to that stress aspect. I’m a very good…procrastinator. [This is where 2023-me continues the story] And then, whatever the task is that I’m ignoring and not getting to, creates STRESS at the back of my mind.
Luckily, through everything from becoming a mom in 2021 to having a good therapist that helps me identify my weak points, I have learnt to no longer procrastinate as much as before. It has become second…okay, maybe third nature to simply face a task head on, because I know leaving it until later isn’t good for me, or my family. (A stressed mom is never at her best).
Do I succeed every day? No! But I see victory in this area. And as it was a particular topic of prayer for me (trying to reduce stress in my life), I appreciate how He helped me in such a practical way.
I’ve been outside hanging washing while worrying about the future. And then…poof…it’s gone. A luxurious peace descends and I know ‘He’s got this’.
I have been in bed praying over and over ‘I need You…I need You’. In that moment I am terrified and overcome with emotion that I can not control. And then…poof…it dissipates and I can breathe again.
This morning again I was reminded of what He thinks I should be doing with my time. And I know that if I don’t prioritise it, I can’t blame anyone but myself for the emptiness or sense of being lost that tends to descend because of me ignoring my purpose.
Here’s to better use of my time next week. 🙂
He Sent Angels
He has always sent angels across my path.
If we don’t acknowledge these blessings, it can be very easy to miss seeing His hand during certain seasons in life.
New friends in a new city I moved to.
This random person who invites random ladies for coffee…and I end up meeting someone who becomes a major part of my support system during the next 5 years of my life. Amazing how He orchestrates things!
In a world of very patronizing, critical people (and judgmental social media), He connects me with the most accepting and understanding moms group and lactation consultant any new mother can ask for!
Random introductions that turn into long-term clients. Thank You for Your provision!
Final Thoughts
I’m going to be honest. The 2023 me wasn’t feeling the joy this morning when I got up. But God did prompt me to start writing again and I’ve been putting it off for so long. (A toddler keeps one busy haha). But I can only ignore His prompts for so long.
And then…it happened.
How did He manage to help me scroll through old drafts and open the ONE piece that will remind me of some truths I desperately needed today?
And then…it happened.
He has just helped me regain some balance and it’s yet another example of how He continually helps me keep my footing through challenging seasons.
There’s a big difference between those two. When I NEED to do something, I can often feel guilty for not ticking it off my to do list. But when I WANT to do something, it happens so effortlessly. And doing it brings joy. Get what I mean?
In that moment I realised that some of my items on my two to do lists (NEEDED TO and WANTED TO) have changed. Or rather, they moved. Thankfully.
For years – ever since I’ve found God as the love of my life – I’ve been involved with his work. His work can be being good to your neighbours, building a character that aligns with His values or it can be leading a major ministry that makes global impact. It’s all part of answering His call.
But here’s a faulty mindset I’ve lived with during many seasons in my life: I HAVE TO.
What I Got Wrong
Years ago I felt exhausted, burnt out and unmotivated. I was also fearful – extremely so. Even though I had an idea of what I thought God’s calling on my life was, for some reason, I couldn’t go into action. I was frozen by fear. Fear of failure, fear of conflict, fear of taking on a responsibility.
Photo by Doğukan Şahin on Unsplash
All of that should disappear when I realise how present God is in everything I do. Even though He shows me what to do, it’s not that I have to do it on my own. He simply wants to pursue a project with me. But my picture of my life was that I was supposed to deliver this perfect present to Him about what I’ve done for Him on earth.
Oh, how I got it wrong!!
He was there – always has been – with the desire to walk a certain path WITH me. He would have carried me through each trial to get to this goal that we were chasing. I missed it completely, never pursued it, simply because I imagined attempting that journey on my own. He was offering me an opportunity, and I took it up as an order.
I remember that part of my frustration was seeing so many people – some my age, some older, some younger – doing extraordinary things for Him. They saved people from human trafficking, they built safe havens for the abused, they fought for justice. They really made a difference! They didn’t only TALK about His kingdom. They lived it and made it happen.
Why couldn’t I do the same?
Surely God must think less of me because I’m not performing at that level.
He must be so frustrated with me who can’t get her ducks in a row and do something big for Him.
In that season, I remember noticing how so many things signaled that it’s a good time to pursue that dream: people I met that would have benefited this goal He had for me. A property that would have been the perfect place to start it all. It could have happened.
But I just couldn’t do it. It was a burden…No…I MADE it a burden…a ‘I HAVE TO’.
It was not a joy. I never went into action.
And I felt like a failure.
The Advice I Wish I Understood Earlier
So, I remember, more than once, reaching out to Joanne Ramos, whom I respect as a leader, a believer and so much more. Wow! She wrote me back all the way from the US! I wrote to her for a bunch of reasons and she actually took the time to read my long letters where I tried to explain my confused thoughts. There was a lot of turmoil inside me.
Photo by Adam Solomon on Unsplash
And I got great encouragement from her. What stuck with me is the ‘why’ she did what she did…
Her words:
‘Wanting to know Jesus…. to understand who He is and be close to Him.’
This is quite in contrast to my skewed perception that it’s ONLY about fulfilling a mission.
Unfortunately, it took me YEARS to figure out what that really meant.
I have done so much in my life because I thought it was the ‘right’ thing to do. I pursued projects, because I believed it’s all about ‘purpose’. I have these dreams pounding in my heart about writing books, helping the lost and fighting for justice. And the moment a dream drops in my heart, for some reason, I turn it into a ‘HAVE TO’. I turn it into a performance. I ruin it. I ruin it for myself. And I exchange joy for guilt. Guilt for not making the dream a reality yet. Guilt for not getting it perfect. Guilt for being too afraid.
If ONLY I could turn around, look into His face…discover how He is always by my side wanting to help me make those dreams the blessings He wants on earth…and all the while actually just passionate about revealing more of Himself to me.
Yesterday a friend told me ‘God loves a desperate spirit’.
I asked her why she thinks that is.
She said something along the lines of desperation causing us to press in to Him. In my own words, desperation forcing us to consult Him after we’ve tried all our own ways and seen they don’t work.
This could apply to anything: wanting a baby…wanting to start a ministry because you love doing good…wanting better for a friend or family member…struggling with finances.
In my old perspective, I wanted to bring the perfect result to Him as proof of my faith, my diligence, my commitment to Him, my love for people. I didn’t get much done with that mindset.
So, eventually I did reach moments of desperation. I started asking Him His opinion on the matter. About how I’m supposed to go about things. At last, instead of running away with the idea, hoping to return to Him to show what I’ve done with it, I faced Him WITH it. I faced Him with the shriveled idea that looked quite crooked, with no promise of making much impact. And that was what I was supposed to do from the start.
Bit by bit, he broke down my mindset of ‘I HAVE TO’. Now, it’s more like ‘Let US do this’.
I will also admit: I had to deal with a whole pride aspect. I had to realise it’s not about being the best or making the most impact. It’s about knowing Him.
I’m getting there. Slowly, but surely. (This in itself is a challenge, since I prefer getting things done quickly…but His way is better…and slow & steady apparently doesn’t mean I’m a failure. What a revelation!).
Why do We Feel we ‘HAVE TO’?
I think there are many reasons you may feel to perform in His eyes:
For some, it’s personality.
Faulty teachings.
Wanting to be like the respected church leaders, thinking that’s ‘success as a believer’.
Working to obtain people’s recognition.
Thinking His blessing only comes based on our deeds.
All of these can easily replace the motivation that should be behind all we do: our love for Him. And when we don’t do something based on the right foundation, we give the enemy an opportunity to enter with fear, pride, sin and so much more.
Photo by Fuu J on Unsplash
Living in Freedom Without ‘I HAVE TO’
Why am I writing this?
I’m kinda figuring out this chunk of a lesson as I’m writing these words.
What I know is this:
To live with a sense of ‘HAVE TO’ prevents me from ever going into action to do His wonderful work on earth. For me, the overwhelming obstacle is usually fear. The ‘HAVE TO’ results in fear of failure, whether it’s in my family responsibilities, my ministry, or my work. For you, the obstacle may be something different. But to forget that He is part of those dreams can spoil the process and even stop it altogether.
It has taken me months to get to this point. Now, my mind does recognise the freedom found in His grace, rather than feeling a weight on my shoulders because I take on a mission and ‘schedule a performance’. Now, many of the items on my to do list falls under ‘I WANT TO’ because I do want to see what happens if I pursue an idea WITH HIM. And since I don’t feel I have to impress Him with the outcome, the results matter less…there’s less fear…and joy once again enters the game.
I don’t want you to miss out on having journeys with Him because the enemy gets you to believe the lie that you HAVE TO do this, or you won’t be good enough. Or that you HAVE TO pursue a project to get the adoration of people.
Please turn and seek His face, sooner than I did.
There is so much freedom in partnering with Him, instead of perform for Him.
Matthew 11 28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
So, I simply want to share my COVID-19 story with you guys.
I do think that God reveals Himself in the simplest, most beautiful ways sometimes. The subtleness is often exactly what you need to be reminded how gentle, caring and PRESENT our God is.
This story has a lot to do about South Africa’s lockdown chapter during the Corona pandemic, but the principles stay the same no matter what’s going on around you: my God cares enough to make it known that He is ever-present.
So, here goes.
Setting the Stage
Exactly one month ago, on 27 March 2020, I was not at my best. It was the start of lockdown, but as an introvert myself this fact in itself did not upset me as much as it did many others. So what was bugging me?
There was this sense of foreboding which I admit I allowed to take hold of me. What would the future hold? As someone stated very aptly, there was a sense of grief for the fact that life as we knew it was changing. Was that what got to me? Perhaps.
Also, even though I’m blessed to work in an industry that could continue operating during the worldwide pandemic, we weren’t completely unaffected. Clients were a little harder to come by, rates had to be lowered to accommodate customers. So, of course, there was the question – the fear – of whether we would survive throughout the crisis.
All of this DID lead me down the path of feeling somewhat depressed. I did NOT have my usual reservoir of joy supporting my emotions or enabling me to help those around me. I really felt down in the dumps.
But God knew what I needed.
The Way Maker Journey
Introducing Way Maker
Now let me make this clear: I know the song, but it’s not that I’ve heard it countless times. I don’t sing it in church every Sunday, because I admit I don’t get to church every Sunday. I don’t listen to gospel radio stations all day, because I work from home where I listen to instrumentals to keep focus.
But into my brain that Friday morning popped the word ‘Way Maker’. I knew about the song, so I Googled it. (For those who don’t know the song: read the beautiful lyrics by Sinach here)
And every word soaked into my being. Every word sung about depression…about Him being the Light in my dark moments…about working miracles when our humanly ways will definitely not be enough.
So, in those 8 minutes, God gave me back my hope. The hope I’ve held onto ever since I was a teenager and I grabbed hold of a belief that He has a plan with me, our country and His people. And His plans are always ongoing, no matter what.
So, I breathed again, listened to those videos ALL day…and saw how He provided each day over the coming weeks. For example, work may have not been in abundance as I was used to, but He provided enough for EACH DAY! He NEVER let me down.
And I thought that was my lesson.
But God was not finished.
Way Maker Across the World
So, you all have seen posts and videos from across the globe about how humanity has decided to stand together during this very trying time. Many people say that humanity is corrupted at our core, but in one of the most trying times in human history:
It’s GOODNESS that is coming to the fore.
People SACRIFICE so much to help one another.
Communities are driven to SUPPORT each other.
Tough times bring out our TRUE selves, right?…and the world has proven that that which God has made us to be – people who live His values – is STILL at the centre of our beings.
But, back to Way Maker.
Have you taken note of some of the details of the positive stories people are sharing? Did you notice how many of them mention people singing ‘Way Maker’ to each other and frontline workers? This was happening in:
Was God simply trying to show ME that He is in control, or is this His beautiful golden thread making a path across the globe?
And STILL my God wasn’t done with showing me His beautiful hand at work.
Way Maker in Port Elizabeth (my home town)
So, as a country, South Africa has gotten through most of the lockdown period, but of course there is still a long time of challenges ahead. We have to rebuild our economy, small businesses are suffering and many people lost their jobs.
I look around me and have to force myself not to be overcome with sadness and worry for some of my friends’ current predicaments.
And then God sends me this.
I see it in my Facebook feed. I live in PE, so of course I watch it. It’s good news: a COVID patient is released!!!
But listen closely.
What song is playing in the background at the beginning of the video (try to listen in between the voices)?
Yes. The song that has become my anthem…the world’s anthem?
Way Maker.
God Makes a Way – Always
I can’t but see His beautiful golden thread that has been traveling with me SINCE DAY 1. And it’s only a confirmation of what He has done for me my whole life.
He is ALWAYS present.
He is ALWAYS helping.
I know all of you may not feel, hear or see it at the moment; but I pray that one day you will look back and the picture will become clear for you.
For now, this is my COVID-19 miracle.
I pray for each one of you out there that needs your own type of miracle.
I know my Way Maker is ready and able to show you the way. And please share your own lockdown stories so we can encourage each other.
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