It’s difficult to find yourself…your purpose…your niche where you know you’ll flourish. Because there are so many options. And you see others and watch others and think…’oh, that’s how I’m supposed to do it’.
But it’s not.
Difficult to Find Your Spot
So many other people’s paradise have been my downfall. Their ideal soil was where I perished instead of grew.
And all the while I’m wasting precious time I could have simply invested in finding my spot. My corner – my niche. My lane to run in.
I know all the jargon. I’ve read all the books.
But still, it’s difficult.
I want to be a mother as good as that friend.
I want to travel the world like that one.
I want to have the work title that other lady has.
Sound familiar?
But all the while I have a different purpose!
What I Know
And I know that I have that purpose because wherever I go You, Lord, send people who need me…who I connect with…with whom I grow…that teach me. And that’s valuable. You are on Your way with me.
I’m not off track, because continuously I see how You’re actively involved in where I’m going. And today I heard again how all You really care about is pulling us closer to You. That’s where You’re going with us.
But still I glance to someone else’s lane sometimes.
It’s difficult…to keep eyes front…to keep ears to Your voice (instead of people’s opinions).
It’s difficult.
Difficult to Grasp Your Patience
In all of this, You have always been so kind.
Never have You given up, trying to direct me on my path.
Never have You stopped sending people my way to provide guidance when I need it.
Never have You not spoken in some or other manner – even if it’s after a long time of me trying to figure out stuff on my own before asking for Your input.
Always, You are right there. Next to me. Patiently waiting for me to take the next step forward.
Patiently helping me live out the purpose of getting to know You more.
No matter what situation you’re in, there’s bound to be a challenge coming your way. And that’s not being pessimistic. That’s just life.
How often do you feel you need help? Please read on for in case here’s something you need to hear today.
The Possibility of Hope
I’m not professing to have the answer to all situations. However, what I share today are a few hopeful moments that came across my path in the past few weeks.
For me, the challenge at the moment is being in the midst of a pregnancy. That’s one amazing privilege and adventure! But as the due date crawls closer I find myself overcome by a range of emotions…fears…situations. I battle to keep balance and I soooo want to do this right for this girl-baby’s benefit.
So, it feels like I’m facing a different challenge every other day. Not as big as some challenges in life…but when your actions affect a little soul coming into the world – and me being a new mom who usually likes being in control -…the challenges feel overwhelming.
However, when I look back over the past few weeks, as much as I can identify the challenges, I recognise Him. The Godly advice that came across my path was always there. IF I’m wise enough to open my mind to it.
Because I’m a word person, I think His guidance sticks in my head in the form of words…phrases. So here goes…a few of His words to me. Hopefully, they can bring a little light to one of your challenging days.
3 Phrases
Calm Down
Perhaps you think this is one phrase no one should ever say to you. In movies they joke about husbands who dare to say ‘calm down’ when a woman reacts. But when it’s God that places these words in your mind…you kind of listen.
For me, a personal struggle has been to keep balance between working and being pregnant. I aim to please and hate to disappoint. But when you’re pregnant, things must change. I simply couldn’t go on as I used to. It was affecting me and there was the risk of my work worries affecting my baby.
It took one scare of early contractions at 33 weeks to make me realise that I needed to adjust my mindset. 4 days in hospital and I was different. I had to be. Mrs In Control even cried with the nurse about how I didn’t know how to do it all right. But the promise of a new life growing inside you forces you to change.
But change isn’t always permanent. Each week I have to remind myself what my priority is. And perhaps God also knew I needed regular reminders.
For example, one morning during my quiet time, all that came to mind was ‘calm down’. And I knew. Calm down about the people I’m worried about…calm down about work…calm down about keeping housework up to date. It doesn’t help to worry and it definitely doesn’t help little Lucy when I’m tense all the time.
And then, when my husband left for work that day and out of the blue he said ‘relax…take it easy…‘, you know it’s God confirming the message for the day.
Do those words make life less stressful? No.
But:
It changes how I respond to the stress that wants to enter my life.
It helps me focus on simply getting the next thing done, instead of trying to handle everything at once.
They help me enjoy a meeting with a colleague, instead of only worrying about clients.
The advice makes me take 5 minutes just for myself in the still-empty babyroom, because I will never have those 5 minutes again.
And it makes me enjoy an evening on the couch to rest, even if I couldn’t get everything done, knowing that rest will empower me to face the next day’s workload.
Calm down. It has more positive outcomes than you may think.
He Didn’t Give Us a Spirit of Fear
My other panic I had to deal with over the past few weeks was the idea of giving birth. Despite amazing prenatal classes – which helped resolve some fears – I became a little paranoid. What was going to happen with me and Baby-Lucy in just a few weeks?
Even the thought that it could happen at any time was overwhelming. How can I be prepared if I don’t know when it’s coming?
And what if something went wrong? What if everything went wrong?
Once again, taking those few minutes of quiet and searching for His view on the topic – rather than my own – was the ONLY thing that changed my mindset about this. Not people, not books, not knowledge…but His Spirit showing me the TRUTH of the situation. Then, I could look at THE TRUTH instead of the enemy’s LIE that I should fear what was coming.
So, what was the truth in this case?
Sitting in my chair, I was overcome with the image of Him WATCHING over her. Also, a few weeks ago I looked up at the babyroom roof and noticed that there were exactly three down lights installed. Father, Son, Holy Spirit. 3 Sources of Light will be LOOKING over her daily. And a friend who was sharing with me what was on her heart gave me one simple word…WATCH. And I knew…God, the trinity was WATCHING over Lucy. THAT was the truth.
I didn’t have to worry…He was taking care of her. There in her room in future, but also while she was still in my womb. And instantly, that realisation removed the intense worry I carried with me during that week.
Will it be easy? Probably not. Will it hurt? Yes. Is there risk involved? Yes. But He is with her and I can simply do my part. He will do the rest.
Of course, the challenge is to live with that new-found realisation the next day and the next. This is where I do believe the Word is powerful, because the phrase that stuck in my head was ‘He did not give us a Spirit of fear, but of….a sound mind’. 2 Tim 1:7
SOUND MIND. As His child I did not have to buy into the chaos of stress. I can choose to take up His truth and promise and advice. But it IS a choice. And I try to choose that every day.
But fear can return…
A few days later my fear was that I wouldn’t cope when the moment arrived. How will I handle my water breaking or the pain of labour? What if I freaked out? Once again I had to return to the TRUTH of the matter, not the fear that comes so naturally. The truth that God designed me specifically for a situation like this. He made me woman. He created me for this purpose. And gave me a SOUND MIND to choose His peace and believe His promise if being there for us…but it’s my choice to take up that sound mind or surrender to panic.
The Price of Pride
Here, I simply wish I could thank all of the wonderful women God placed in my life over the past few years. There are new friends in the city we moved to, old friends who came back into my life, neighbours, family…the list is endless.
What I realised recently however is that I have robbed myself of so many blessings, because, like I said, I like being in control. Being pregnant at 39 was a huge new journey for me, but I didn’t want to admit to some of my younger friends the mental challenges I was facing.
Some of them have already had their children and were more than willing to give me the love and care and proper advice I needed. But it took me months to realise their value and discover the magic of sometimes being vulnerable.
And it’s pride that does that.
Pride, which I thought I’ve dealt with in my life.
When a young mom who simply loves helping other moms showed up on my doorstep with a gift (book on motherhood) and I saw all the book club friends’ names inside the card…I realised how dumb I’ve been. These women have been on my doorstep for over 2 years. And although I made friends with a few of them, I could have embraced them more and shared my worries, instead of trying to always save face.
They cared unconditionally. They understood the challenges I was going through. These women would have shared their stories without expecting anything in return, without laughing at my questions and without judging my opinions.
I know this is because I always want to be the one who helps. But wanting to ALWAYS be the rescuer is fuelled by unnecessary pride, not just love for others.
May I be wiser in future and stop missing out on the blessing of people.
Now What?
I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. You don’t know what you’ll face in future.
I’m just holding on to these few words, because if He helped me learn lessons and find hope in the past few weeks…He’ll do it again in my tomorrows.
What’s your biggest challenge? What phrase helps you through the day? What advice do you have for me on my mom-journey?
I can’t believe we got this far. A year ago it was only a dream. 8 months ago I felt utterly devastated…and now we’re nearing the third trimester. The baby we’ve been hoping and praying for – for years – is almost here.
Our journey has not been an easy one. Then…it has not been as difficult as many other couples’ paths.
But it HAS been a moulding season in our lives. Looking back we are in awe of the goodness, while recognising the difficult moments. It taught us lessons and resilience in new ways. And while it was difficult, I actually don’t want to simply forget the bad times.
The Importance of Reflecting on Seasons
Apart from being super excited about holding our daughter in a few months’ time, I also want to remember what else we’ve gained. It’s the lessons that can help us in future and if we carry them with us, coming seasons may be less overwhelming.
Also, I’m passionate about potential. Potential should bloom so we can all become what God planned us to be. I believe that aligning with His plan leads to more contentment, more purpose and more of Him. And lessons and wisdom are vital for that kind of life.
One of the things I can recognise in every challenging time I’ve ever faced was how God was present. Often, I only realised it afterwards. Or, I only realised in what great capacity He has been there all along – while I was trying to figure it out myself. It would have been so much easier if I recognised Him from the start. But He is patient and always ready to dry my tears and helps me pick up pieces and move ahead.
This time, we were once again blessed by Him every step of the way, even though there were difficult days. And if that is His desire – to be with me during challenges – then He wants to be that for me every day. Because God doesn’t change. His attitude and characteristics stay the same.
So, here’s what I want to remember and look for in future when there are challenges heading our way.
5 Truths About God to Look for During Difficult Seasons
People – He Sends Them
This is the thing I’ve been astounded with the most: the people He sent.
I have always been blessed with good people in my life and I will always be thankful for that. But the number of people God sent my way that had SPECIFIC value and SPECIFIC roles to play during this season of praying for a baby…blew my mind.
Help EXACTLY When You Need it
I remember the day after deciding that we will take the big step of visiting a fertility clinic. That morning a client that has become a friend messaged me about work. Knowing we shared the same beliefs, I felt to share with her about my situation and decision.
Let’s be clear: I don’t share personal matters easily. But that day I just FELT to. And for the rest of the day I received messages from that lady who went through exactly what I was going through…for years. I had no idea that they had struggled to have kids themselves. To find understanding in a moment when I was intensely vulnerable about the waters I have chosen to walk on, was of incomparable value.
He knew I needed those words. He prompted me to share. He even planned it that she would need work done on that day, to initiate a conversation. Over the next few months this lady became a pillar of strength. She helped me feel comfortable with my emotions, whatever they were and she carried me in prayer.
So Many People Helped me
In the same way, people I’ve known for years came ‘back on the scene’. Each one played integral roles in carrying me through:
The days I didn’t know how to have faith
My journey as a potential parent
The fears of not having any control about the outcome of fertility treatment
Thinking about what your imperfect body may be incapable of doing
…and how He plays a role in all of this.
Without these people, our journey would have been more alone, daunting and overwhelming.
I thank Him for the people He activated to play their roles in my story and know to always watch for them in future seasons.
Timing – It Matters
One of the first things I remember of the journey of the past year was the moment we decided that we should go to a fertility clinic.
The Journey
For years we’ve known that our chances of having a baby naturally were slim, for medical reasons. By God’s grace it wasn’t torture each month to realise that conception still didn’t happen, although there were sad moments. Friends often prompted me to find out about other options, but in my heart I knew I could never consider fertility treatment, adoption or anything else unless I felt an urge to.
Becoming a parent is a huge enough endeavour. To face the challenges that come with IVF or IUI would put strain on us. We may doubt our decisions around every bend in the road. I believed that without the necessary conviction and drive, that journey would be much worse than it should be.
This conviction came from my personal perspective and I know each person is unique, so it will be different for everyone. But for me, I knew I didn’t need to be a mother in order to feel fulfilled. God has filled my life with so much – passions, hobbies, people, a husband, talents – that I knew I could be happy with or without becoming a parent. Therefore, I didn’t want to push the topic just because I was getting older or because everyone around me had children. It was something I would have liked, but not something I craved. And I believed that without craving it…without that drive…a journey of infertility treatment would just be too much for me to handle.
So I waited. Countless times I said that ‘unless I felt something in me shift’ and switch on that desire to be a parent – which so many of my friends spoke about before their child-prayers were answered – I didn’t want to force us into a season we may not be ready for.
The Shift
That season eventually arrived when I was 38. (Late in life I knew…but still a perfect time for us). In a moment, in July 2020, I simply knew that it was the next step we needed to take. In that moment I was intensely sad – heartbroken – about the fact that it hasn’t happened for us yet. I had never felt that way before. And I knew something in my heart shifted.
By His grace (once again), my husband was working from home that day, found me crying and I could share my heart with him. And the journey started.
What followed was challenging but beautiful and miraculous. I think it would have been much different had I not waited for the time my gut (spirit) was telling me to wait for.
While writing this, please know that I’m not saying everyone’s journeys will be this way. You can be in His perfect timing and still wait for years for a prayer to come to fruitition. But countless times I’ve seen that when He does ask you to wait or if He suggests a timeline in your heart…it’s always best to follow it.
Preparation – He Saw this Coming a Mile Away
So, the clinic we went to.
18 months before that July 2020 day, we received the results of blood tests that told us how slim our chances were of having children. We did NOT expect it. We were shattered.
By God’s grace (yes, again), one of my friends and mentors (people…again) was in town (she lives a few hundred km away). We met for coffee the day after the results came and the moment I sat down I burst into tears.
Long story short, years ago she lived in the same city I live in now. She knew about a well respected fertility doctor and also knew him to be an amazing believer in the God we serve. This was encouraging in itself, just to know that there were options…good options for us to pursue in a city we’ve only recently moved to.
But wait, there’s more:
She also knew his receptionist.
They were having dinner with that receptionist that very evening.
Minutes later, that receptionist walked past our table, shopping for that evening’s dinner.
I am NOT kidding.
Now to be clear, we ended up only going to this doctor over a year later. But having that knowledge and seeing how He guided me to meet up with His future role players in my life that day, was something to hold on to. He knew well ahead of time what and who I would need and put things in motion to benefit my journey.
So, the question is, when you look back, which ‘accidental’ or ‘coincidental’ situations can you identify over the past few years or months? Could His plan for you already be in motion, but you just don’t see the final result yet?
Once again, I would like to mention ‘timing’. I could have rushed to the doctor the very next day after I heard about him. Perhaps God would have let everything play out in our favour anyway. Or perhaps, because I truly didn’t feel the time was right, it would have been a longer – more stresful – journey. I will never know, but seeing how things fell in place over time, I am comforted by the fact that He doesn’t need everything to happen TODAY. Two years from now is still in His plan.
Opportunities – He is in the Business of Activating Potential
In every challenge there are ways He blesses us as a couple. In addition, there’s almost always also a way – an opportunity – to pay it forward. That’s the potential of each situation. The blessing and lessons He is giving us can also help someone else and we need to keep our eyes peeled for those opportunities.
For us it was an immense blessing to be able to pass on the message of our fertility journey to friends who had a miscarriage while we were still waiting to see if our treatment worked. Even being a little further ahead in the journey enabled us to give someone else hope.
Opportunities are everywhere, whether it is to get a new job, to bless someone, to learn something…we just need to look for them.
Advice – He Speaks in Many Ways
Finally, let’s talk about the wonderful doctor that helped us.
My View
Note: I’m extremely stubborn. I don’t easily change my mind (my poor husband will confirm this).
So, when we started on the fertility journey, I just wanted to try a procedure once. I didn’t want to regret not ever trying, but I couldn’t see myself trying five or 10 times like some couples have the courage to. For one thing, I was already 38 and felt I didn’t want to be pregnant well into my forties. So, if it didn’t happen after the first try, I would make peace with it. Also, it’s expensive no matter what procedure your doctor advises, so we had to be realistic about what is affordable.
The Doctor’s View
Enter, the awesome doctor.
My stubborness even extends to doctors’ advice as I don’t easily believe anything people tell me, even if they’re professionals. But sitting in front of that doctor that day was different. He of course knew what he was talking about but he also had amazing bedside manners. He took the time to explain everything to us, listen to our fears and questions and even understood my tears.
Part of his communication to us was that although he had faith in God that He could make a tiny life happen for us, he also faced the realities of statistics. We needed to take this into consideration too. Each time we tried, we would increase our chances of being the next couple getting the good news of conception and hopefully a healthy baby. How he spoke and explained helped me open my mind to a different perspective. And today I am eternally grateful for that practical advice that prepared me for the road ahead.
Our first IUI wasn’t succesful. But his advice made the outcome less overwhelming.
The second IUI was much more draining emotionally. But we were more ready to face it than we would have been had he not played advisor as well as physician.
Had I not taken his advice from day one, I would have made the journey much harder on myself.
And when I now look back on other challenges I’ve had, I can also pinpoint good advice coming my way. Sometimes I took it…sometimes I didn’t. So, the question is, what advice should you be taking at the moment?
Last Thoughts
So, our littly Miracle is thankfully on her way after two IUI cycles.
Other couples have to go through much more to hold their miracle children in their arms. We’re still praying for the last few months that lie ahead. But the journey so far has been miraculous in so many ways that we can’t but say thank You. Thank You for showing yourself in different ways through different people. You are always there Lord and may I remember these lessons, no matter what crosses our path in future seasons. I want to recognise Your hand, even in the difficult times.
I want to start off by saying that I don’t think I know everything on this topic. I don’t say that because I doubt myself, but because I’ve seen this week how so many leaders and people have shared opinions and for many of us it’s difficult. It’s difficult to make statements or give direction when the waters are murky. It’s difficult to show vulnerabilities. It’s difficult when what’s happening goes against everything you believe. It’s difficult when you need to have – and use – faith when the deck seems stacked against you…and continues to deteriorate it seems.
Lord, I know You’re in this and with us God, but I don’t always know from the get-go how You want us to act. It’s a learning game.
So, here I am just sharing what has been in my thoughts.
Senekal
It’s horrid what happened to Brendin Horner. I think of him and I wish I can tell him that his life meant so much. That his death sparked something that can be truly profound in our country. But I wish it never happened.
What happened to Brendin pushed many of us into action and I think that’s a good thing. Within certain guidelines. So, I’m just sharing 5 things I hope we can all remember while this event in our country’s history plays out.
My 5 Thoughts
It Can Never be About Race
While we’re fighting for an end to the injustice of white farmers being killed, I do pray that this will not result in an overwhelming hate between different races. Not again. Our country has come too far.
It’s clear that there’s no need for interracial hate, since so many different races are standing up for this one cause. May we remember how we’ve learnt from eachother, built together and partnered over the past 20 years. While we fight for the lives of a specific group of people, may we not fall into the trap of becoming prejudiced against eachother ever again.
2. Fighting for Justice, not Taking Revenge
I know there are many who may say that those against the farm murders shouldn’t gather. But I can’t tell them they’re wrong for taking a stand for justice – against injustice.
Someone once told me that being a peacemaker – peace being one of the Fruits of the Spirit – doesn’t necesarilly mean to never ‘fight’. A peacemaker may have to stand up for what is right in order that everyone in the situation can experience peace going forward.
In this light, coming together and showing our president that we – not white, black or coloured, but EVERYONE – wants to put a stop to injustice, can be a good thing?
I do believe revenge is best left in His hands and so I pray that each gathering – so many happening across our country – will take place in an orderly, peaceful manner.
3. Pray – Always
I am guilty of not praying enough. I don’t pray enough for my family, my country or prayer requests sent by friends. But I have seen the power of prayer:
I have seen people heal – physically and emotionally.
I have seen answers come on difficult questions.
I have found direction in prayer.
I have seen people change.
I know that I’m supposed to pray for this situation and I hope many of us won’t think it’s for nothing. We do have a responsibility to take up authority on earth. God tells us to rule. For me that means praying His peace, love, guidance and so much more into as many situations as we can.
I pray for each leader sharing their thoughts on social media – that it will be words of wisdom.
I pray for protection for everyone concerned. I know it can seem disheartening after so many farmers have been hurt or killed. But that doesn’t mean this is a lost cause.
I pray that judges will be fair.
I pray for changed hearts of people causing chaos in this world.
4. Don’t Forget the Past
There is no question that over the past few years there has been a lot of healing in our country. Movements like #ImStaying and the way people rallied to help eachother during the pandemic have proven our TRUE South African characteristics:
we care
we share
we love
we appreciate eachother
That stays the same even if some people prefer to pick the alternative.
I pray that we won’t forget this, while we’re in this specific chapter of our country’s history.
5. Think About who You are Following
Someone said last week that we need proper leaders. We were talking about the country as a whole because face it, we’ve lost faith in most of them.
I do pray for excellent leaders to stand up. That’s not a responsibility I have the courage for, apart from occasionally sharing my thoughts online. But I do have the responsiblity to consider who I will follow, whose words I will take to heart and whose messages I will share.
So, which celebrities do you listen to? Which videos are you sharing?
Who you listen to determines whether you get the truth about a situation. The leaders you follow determine the impact you make on those around you, because their opinions WILL affect you. And since fake news is so real in our world, everything we read requires some extra research. For example, determine whether it’s fueled by hate and revenge, or the fight for justice.
So, just think twice what your Facebook share will do. Will it get us closer to a solution or instigate hate?
Once again, I believe we can stand up for what’s right. But may we never end up with hate trumping our country’s inherent love.
These are my thoughts.
Please take care out there everyone.
Ps 133:1
How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity!
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